The Epic Battle for a New Office Chair – Every Damn Sketch Show

All right, all right, all right.
Okay, so I guess it just goes to show that sometimes the early bird
not only gets the worm, it also gets a jet ski. See you next time on
Every Damn Day. Cut. Fine work everyone. Brian, your body
wears clothes wrong. Remember, every one’s scripts
are due by 2 PM today. No. Get it done everyone!
No distractions. Don’t you guys like working? No. I think I’m doubled parked.
Ooh! New chair. Finally. Our old chairs
were bullshit. Our old chairs
are perfectly fine. Let’s not get distracted. It’s so sturdy. It’s so smooth. And it swizzles like
a goddamn champ. Oh my God. What? Okay. We’ve been talking and I think
it likes me. Permission to marry the chair. No. Come on. If anybody should get to marry
the chair it should be me. I too am sturdy and reliable. I have a family,
one girlfriend, one dog. It’s just a chair.
It doesn’t have feelings. Thank you Hannah. That being said, either I get
the chair or I give it a UTI. No, don’t rub your gross parts
on the chair. Screw it, I’m taking the chair. Did someone shit in this chair?
Who shit in this chair? – Me.
– Me. Me. All of you shit in this chair?
When? – Earlier in the sketch.
– Just now. I’m literally always shitting.
I can’t stop eating lactose. How did this escalate
to shitting so quickly? And why do y’all still want a
chair that everyone has shat in? Not everyone. I didn’t shit in
this chair. But I’m going to shit
in this chair. I’m going to shit
all over your shit. And I’m going kiss on Jordan’s
shit by shitting on Jordan. I’m going to shit on you. Yeah. Enough.
All of you want the chair? Then all of you get the chair. I’m going to cut the chair
up into five little pieces. Every piece
will have shit on it. Is that what you want? – Yes.
– Yes. – Yes.
– Yes. So be it. I think they delivered my chair
to your office by mistake. Oh, there it is. I see you guys started
shitting on the chair before me. Well, I’ll have to catch up.