Stephen: ‘This Is What’s Wrong With The American President’


WELCOME TO “THE LATE SHOW.” I’M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT. NOW I’M GOING TO SAY —
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I’M GOING TO SAY SOMETHING I
DIDN’T THINK WAS POSSIBLE ANYMORE: I’M SHOCKED BY
SOMETHING DONALD TRUMP SAID. ( LAUGHTER )
I THOUGHT, BY NOW, MY SOUL HAD CALCIFIED INTO A CROUTON. ( LAUGHTER )
NOT TRUE BECAUSE TODAY, THE PRESIDENT OF THE
UNITED STATES TWEETED, “I HEARD POORLY RATED @MORNING JOE
SPEAKS. BADLY OF ME. DON’T WATCH ANYMORE. ( LAUGHTER )
THEN, “HOW COME LOW I.Q.-CRAZY MIKA, ALONG WITH PSYCHO JOE,
CAME, DOT, DOT, DOT, DOT, DOT, TO MAR-A-LAGO THREE NIGHTS IN A
ROW AROUND NEW YEAR’S EVE, AND INSISTED ON JOINING ME. SHE WAS BLEEDING BADLY FROM A
FACE-LIFT. I SAID NO!”
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) WHERE TO BEGIN? ( LAUGHTER )
IT’S A BUFFET OF (BLEEP). ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) FIRST OF ALL — A STEAM TABLE,
AS IT WERE. ( LAUGHTER )
FIRST OF ALL, SOMEONE BLEEDING BADLY AT YOUR DOOR, AND YOU SAY
NO? SOUNDS LIKE YOUR HEALTH CARE
PLAN. ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
>>Jon: WHOA!>>Stephen: I MEAN, TURNING
THEM AWAY FROM YOUR HOTEL DURING THE MIDDLE OF
WINTER IS LITERALLY THE STORY OF CHRISTMAS. ( LAUGHTER )
ONLY THERE WASN’T A WISE MAN IN SIGHT. THIS IS SHOCKING AND VICIOUS,
SO… ON-BRAND! ( LAUGHTER )
AND THE REVIEWS ARE IN: “VULGAR,” “CRUDE,” AND “A NEW
LOW.” NO, IT’S THE SAME LOW. ( LAUGHTER )
WE’RE AT A CRUISING ALTITUDE OF MARIANAS TRENCH. ( LAUGHTER )
THERE ARE GIANT SQUID LOOKING DOWN AT US RIGHT NOW. OF COURSE, MIKA RESPONDED WITH
HER OWN TWEET: A PICTURE OF A CHEERIOS BOX SAYING “MADE FOR
LITTLE HANDS.” ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) REALLY, MIKA? MAKING FUN OF SIZE OF HIS HANDS? I’M MORE WORRIED ABOUT THE SIZE
OF HIS BRAIN. ( LAUGHTER )
OF COURSE, THIS IS SHOCKING TO EVERYONE WHO ISN’T EMPLOYED BY
DONALD TRUMP. REPUBLICAN SENATOR BEN SASSE
TWEETED, “PLEASE JUST STOP. THIS ISN’T NORMAL.” AND LINDSAY GRAHAM TWEETED,
“MR. PRESIDENT, YOUR TWEET WAS BENEATH THE OFFICE AND
REPRESENTS WHAT IS WRONG WITH AMERICAN POLITICS.” HOLD IT RIGHT THERE, LINDSAY. THIS IS NOT WHAT’S WRONG WITH
AMERICAN POLITICS. YOU DON’T SEE PAUL RYAN THROWING
SHADE AT CHUCK SCHUMER FOR HIS EYE JOB. ( LAUGHTER )
IT’S WHAT’S WRONG WITH AMERICAN PRESIDENT. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) OKAY? ( APPLAUSE )
LET’S STOP PRETENDING TRUMP IS A SYMPTOM OF SOMETHING. HE’S THE DISEASE. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
AND THE ONLY CURE IS THREE AND A HALF YEARS OF LIQUOR AND BED
REST. ( LAUGHTER )
OF COURSE, THE FIRST LADY DEFENDED HER HUSBAND VIA HER
SPOKESPERSON: “AS THE FIRST LADY HAS STATED PUBLICLY IN THE PAST,
WHEN HER HUSBAND GETS ATTACKED, HE WILL PUNCH BACK TEN TIMES
HARDER.” YES, AS THE FIRST LADY SAYS,
“WHEN THEY GO LOW, WE GO TEN TIMES LOWER.” ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) SO THE FOCUS ON CYBER-BULLYING
IS GOING WELL. ( LAUGHTER )
WE JUST DIDN’T KNOW IT WAS GOING TO BE AS A SUPER-FAN. AND YOU KNOW WHO HAD THE COURAGE
TO AGREE WITH MELANIA’S SPOKESPERSON? THE PRESIDENT’S SPOKESPERSON:
>>WHEN THE PRESIDENT GETS HIT, HE’S GOING TO HIT BACK HARDER,
WHICH IS WHAT HE DID HERE TODAY. HE FIGHTS FIRE WITH FIRE.>>STEPHEN: HE FIGHTS EVERYTHING
WITH FIRE. ( LAUGHTER )
AND FIRST HE SOAKS THE COUNTRY WITH GASOLINE. ( LAUGHTER )
AND HUCKABEE SANDERS EXPLAINED THE PRESIDENT HAD A VERY GOOD
REASON TO GO AFTER THOSE MEAN MEANIES ON THE TV SCREEN.>>THE THINGS THAT THIS SHOW HAS
CALLED HIM, AND NOT JUST HIM, BUT NUMEROUS MEMBERS OF HIS
STAFF, INCLUDING MYSELF AND MANY OTHERS, ARE VERY DEEPLY
PERSONAL. SO TO THEN TURN AND PRETEND
LIKE, YOU KNOW, THIS APPROACH, I GUESS, IT’S KIND OF LIKE WE’RE
LIVING IN THE TWILIGHT ZONE.>>STEPHEN: OOH, I LOVE THE
“TWILIGHT ZONE!” WHICH ONE IS HE AGAIN? IS THIS THE ONE WHERE THE LITTLE
BOY WITH NO MORALS HAS THE POWER TO KILL? BECAUSE IT’S DEFINITELY NOT THE
ONE WHERE THE GUY JUST WANTS TO BE ALONE READING BOOKS. ( LAUGHTER )
OH, OH — ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
SO SCARY.