Stephen Speaks Out Against Diplomatic Bullying


WELCOME TO” LATE SHOW.” I’M STEPHEN COLBERT. WELL, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
HAPPY FRIDAY, WE MADE IT. SAFE. HOPE YOU ALL HAVE FUN PLANS FOR
THE WEEKEND. ANY PLANS?>>Jon: YES, INDEED, I’M GOING
TO GO HOME AND NAP.>>Stephen: OH, YEAH. THAT SOUNDS GOOD. MY PLANS– I’M GOING TO SPEND
THE WHOLE WEEKEND IN MY CLOSET BANGING ON THE BACK WALL TO TRY
TO FIND THE WAY TO NARNIA. IF THAT FAILS, I KNOW THERE’S A
BOTTLE OF BOURBON IN THERE.>>Jon: PROBABLY SO, YOU’RE
RIGHT.>>Stephen: NARNIA OR BUST. ALL WEEK, ALL WEEK, PUNDITS AND
POLITICIANS HAVE BEEN ASKING THEMSELVES, “HOW DID WE GET
HERE?” ( LAUGHTER )
WHAT IS THE MORAL G.P.S. THAT LED US TO THIS CLIFF? HIGHWAY DID TRUMP WIN? WAS THIS THE REVENGE OF THE
WHITE, WORKING CLASS VOTERS? WAS HILLARY CLINTON COMPLACENT
ON THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL. DID WE ANGER THE VOLCANO GOD? I SAID WE SHOULD HAVE THROWN
TAYLOR SWIFT IN THERE. WOULD HAVE MISSED HER. WOULD HAVE MISSED HER. IT TURNS OUT TMAY BE NONE OF THE
ABOVE. A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE BLAMING ALL
THE FACEBOOK FAKE NEWS THAT WAS PRO-TRUMP AND ANTI-HILLARY. IN FACT, MORE FAKE NEWS WAS
SHARED ON FACEBOOK THAN REAL NEWS. SO WHERE DID IT COME FROM? TURNS OUT A LOT OF IT CAME FROM
FACEBOOK FAKE NEWS WRITER AND MINDFREAK WANNABE, PAUL HORNER,
WHO SAYS, “I THINK DONALD TRUMP IS IN THE WHITE HOUSE BECAUSE OF
ME.” OKAY! DID YOU HEAR THAT, FUTURE TIME
TRAVELLERS? NOW YOU KNOW WHO TO HUNT LAST
YEAR. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
AAAH! ALTHOUGH, I GOTTA SAY, PRETTY
RUDE OF HIM NOT TO GIVE AT LEAST PARTIAL CREDIT TO JAMES COMEY. CREDIT WHERE CREDIT IS DUE. HORNER CREDITS HIMSELF FOR SUCH
INFLUENTIAL FAKE NEWS ITEMS AS, “THE AMISH IN AMERICA COMMIT
THEIR VOTE TO DONALD TRUMP, MATHEMATICALLY GUARANTEEING
HIM A PRESIDENTIAL VICTORY.” “OBAMA SIGNS EXECUTIVE ORDER
BANNING THE NATIONAL ANTHEM AT ALL SPORTING EVENTS NATIONWIDE,”
AND “GAY WEDDING MOBILE VANS CASHING IN ON THE LEGALIZATION
OF GAY MARRIAGE.” BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, YOU THINK GAY
PEOPLE YOU THINK ONE THING– VANS.>>Jon: THAT’S RIGHT.>>Stephen: AND HORNER KNOWS
WHO HE CAN THANK FOR HIS SUCCESS, SAYING:
“HONESTLY, PEOPLE ARE DEFINITELY DUMBER. THEY JUST KEEP PASSING STUFF
AROUND. NOBODY FACT-CHECKS ANYTHING
ANYMORE. I MEAN, THAT’S HOW TRUMP GOT
ELECTED.” OH, I DON’T KNOW ABOUT
EVERYBODY, BUT CERTAIN PEOPLE DEFINITELY DON’T SEEM SMART. FOR INSTANCE, DID YOU HEAR ABOUT
THE FAKE NEWS WRITER WHO BRAGGED ABOUT ELECTING A REALITY SHOW
ABOUT ELECTING TRUMP TO THE COUNTRY HE HAS IT TO LIVE IN. OF COURSE, THIS ISN’T HORNER’S
FIRST BRUSH WITH FAME. LOOK AT THESE HEADLINES. “PAUL HORNER TRAMPLED BY ALPACA
AT BEASTIALITY CLUB. NATION REJOICES.” “DEWEY DEFEATS TRUMAN AND THEN
FEASTS ON THE FLESH OF PAUL HORNER.” BUT ACTUALLY, WE MADE THOSE UP,
FULL DISCLOSER. AND I KIND OF WISH MORE NEWS WAS
FAKE RIGHT NOW.>>Jon: OH, YEAH.>>Stephen: YEAH. I DON’T LIKE SOME OF THE REAL
HEADLINES I’M SEEING, LIKE THIS ONE, “MORE THAN 400
INCIDENTS OF HATEFUL HARASSMENT AND INTIMIDATION
SINCE THE ELECTION. FOR INSTANCE, INDIANA, WHERE
AN EPISCOPAL CHURCH WAS VANDALIZED WITH A SWASTIKA AND
THE WORDS ‘HEIL TRUMP’.” I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS. I MEAN, IT’S 2016. CAN WE PLEASE WAIT A LITTLE
LONGER BEFORE PUTTING UP THE 2020 CAMPAIGN SIGNS
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IT’S EVEN INFECTING FASHION,
BECAUSE THIS WEEK A NEO-NAZI BLOGGER DECLARED NEW
BALANCE THE “OFFICIAL SHOES OF WHITE PEOPLE.” UTILL NOW, THEY WERE THE
UNOFFICIAL SHOES OF WHITE PEOPLE. THE “FASCIST-NISTA” WENT ON TO
WRITE: “THIS WILL BE FANTASTIC. WE WILL BE ABLE TO RECOGNIZE ONE
ANOTHER BY OUR SPORTSWEAR.” FINALLY, A WAY FOR NAZIS TO
RECOGNIZE EACH OTHER, BECAUSE THE SWASTIKA NECK TATTOO WAS
A LITTLE SUBTLE. THIS ALL STARTED– YAY! NECK TATTOO. THIS ALL STARTED AFTER NEW
BALANCE SUPPORTED THE ELECTION OF DONALD TRUMP, STATEMENTING,
“THE OBAMA ADMINISTRATION TURNED A DEAF EAR TO US AND, FRANKLY,
WITH PRESIDENT-ELECT TRUMP, WE FEEL THINGS ARE GOING TO MOVE IN
THE RIGHT DIRECTION.” PEOPLE GOT SO MAD AT NEW BALANCE
FOR SUPPORTING TRUMP LIKE THIS, THEY FILMED THEMSELVES SETTING
THEIR SHOES ON FIRE. IT’S THE MOST MOVING ACT OF
SHOE-RELATED CIVIL DISOBEDIENCE SINCE DR. MARTIN LUTHER SCHOLLS’
“LETTER FROM A BIRMINGHAM FOOT LOCKER.” HE MADE UP IT THE MOUNTAINTOP
VERY FAST. HE RAN UP THE THING. HE WAS GELLING. NOW, I KNOW OUR NATION IS
DIVIDED RIGHT NOW, BUT DO WE HAVE TO DRAG FOOTWEAR INTO IT? I’M A WHITE MALE OF A CERTAIN
AGE WHO ENJOYS KHAKIS. DON’T TAKE MY NEW BALANCE FROM
ME. ( LAUGHTER )
WHAT ELSE AM I GOING TO WEAR WHEN I’M WAITING FOR MY WIFE
OUTSIDE THE TALBOT’S? SPEAKING OF BEING MARRIED. PEOPLE MARRIED? PEOPLE MARRIED.( APPLAUSE )
GUYS WHO WEAR WEDDING RINGS, IF
YOU’RE SHOPPING FOR ONE, SORRY
TO PUT YOU ON THE SPOT, GUYS, IF YOU’RE BUYING A RING,
BE SURE TO READ ALL THE SAFETY INSTRUCTIONS, BECAUSE THIS WEEK
DOCTORS REMOVED A WEDDING RING FROM A MAN’S PENIS. FIRST OF ALL, IF YOU CAN
ACTUALLY FIT A WEDDING RING AROUND YOUR PENIS,
CONGRATULATIONS ON GETTING SOMEONE TO MARRY YOU. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) THE MAN IN THIS STORY APPARENTLY
PUT THE BLING ON THE THING FOR “EROTIC REASONS.” WEKKM LIKE BEYONCE SAID, “IF YOU
LIKE IT, YOU BETTER PUT A RING ON IT.”>>Jon: YAY!>>Stephen: THANK YOU VERY
MUCH. IT’S TRUE. ♪ ♪ ♪
AS FOR THE MAN’S TREATMENT OPTIONS, DOCTORS SAID,
“NO PROPER GUIDELINES EXIST FOR THE TREATMENT OF THIS CONDITION,
SO THE BEST METHOD IS THE ONE WITH A SUCCESSFUL OUTCOME.” YES, HOPEFULLY HE’LL HAVE A
SUCCESSFUL OUTCOME. WHAT HE WANTED WAS A HAPPY
ENDING. NOW, IF THERE WEREN’T ENOUGH
TROUBLING NEWS ALREADY THIS WEEK, IT WAS JUST REVEALED THAT
AFTER 11 SEASONS AND DECLINING VIEWERSHIP “DUCK DYNASTY” IS
SAYING GOOD-BYE. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
YES. I’M SAD, TOO. ( LAUGHTER )
TURNS OUT THE GUYS WANTED TO SPEND MORE TIME EXPLORING THEIR
TRUE PASSION– CHALLENGING SQUIRRELS TO STARING CONTESTS. NO WORD YET ON WHAT THE GUYS
PLAN TO DO NEXT, BUT MY MONEY’S ON PHIL ROBERTSON BEING CHOSEN
THE NEXT SUPREME COURT JUSTICE. ( APPLAUSE )
NOW, UNITED AIRLINES JUST ANNOUNCED THEY’RE OFFERING A
CHEAPER TICKET OPTION CALLED “BASIC ECONOMY,” NOT TO BE
CONFUSED WITH THE NAME OF THE BOOK DONALD TRUMP IS FRANTICALLY
READING RIGHT NOW. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY, THE FUTURE IS A COIN TOSS! IN UNITED’S BASIC ECONOMY,
PASSENGERS “WON’T BE ABLE TO CHOOSE THEIR SEATS, WILL BE
LAST TO BOARD THE PLANE, AND WON’T BE ABLE TO CARRY ON MORE
THAN ONE PERSONAL ITEM THAT WILL FIT UNDER THE SEAT IN FRONT
OF THEM.” ALSO, YOU CAN’T HAVE LEGS, AND
ALL THE BABIES ON THE PLANE WILL CRY INTO TUBES THAT GO DIRECTLY
INTO YOUR EARS. ( LAUGHTER )
SPEAKING OF A LIVING NIGHTMARE– NORTH KOREA HAS LONG BEEN RULED
BY SUPREME LEADER AND BIEWR ITO SUPREME, KIM JONG-UN. AND RECENTLY, NORTH KOREAN
OFFICIALS LODGED A FORMAL REQUEST WITH CHINA TO PROHIBIT
NAMES DISPARAGING KIM JONG-UN, SPECIFICALLY, THE
NICKNAME KIM FATTY III” THAT’S JUST MEAN. WHY ARE YOU FAT SHAMING THIS
GUY WHICH YOU COULD BE HUMAN-RIGHTS SHAMING THIS GUY? PLUS, IF YOU’RE GOING TO MAKE
FUN OF HIM– KIM’S A GIRL’S NAME. NOW, THIS IS A SERIOUS PROBLEM
FOR NORTH KOREA, AS THE COUNTRY’S GOVERNMENT OFFICIALS
ARE TERRIFIED ABOUT THE INSULT AND LOOKING FOR SOMEBODY TO
BLAME. IF HE’S LOOKING TO PLACE BLAME
ON SOMEONE ABOUT HIS WEIGHT, MAY I SUGGEST HIS MOUTH. I WANT TO TAKE A BOLD STANCE
AGAINST CYBERBULLYING, WHICH IS WHY I’M GOING TO RECORD AN
IMPORTANT PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT OVER IN CAMERA ONE. ( LAUGHTER )
HI, I’M STEPHEN COLBERT. STICKS AND STONES MAY BREAK
THEIR BONES, BUT WORDS CAN REALLY HURT THEM. HI, I’M STILL STEVE COLBERT. I’D LIKE TO TAKE A MOMENT TO
SPEAK OUT AGAINST THE EPIDEMIC OF WORLD-LEADER BULLYING. IT MAY NOT SEEM LIKE IT, BUT AS
WE SPEAK, HEADS OF STATE ARE BEING VICIOUSLY MOCKED IN EVERY
COUNTRY IN THE WORLD, EXCEPT CANADA. THAT GUY’S JUST HOT. Y( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
YOU MAY HAVE EVEN BULLIED WORLD LEADERS YOURSELF WITH NICKNAMES
LIKE “ANTHRAX Q. RABBITMOUTH,” “SECRET AGENT HORSE FONDLER,”
AND “LADY PAUL MCCARTNEY.” ( LAUGHTER )
NO MATTER HOW ACCURATE IT IS, IT IS CRUEL. SO THE NEXT TIME YOU THINK OF
CALLING KIM JONG-UN “KIM FATTY III,” OR “THE CABBAGE
PATCH DICTATOR,” OR “MAN WHO ATE BOTH KIDD AND PLAY,” JUST
REMEMBER– HE HAS FEELINGS, TOO. AND A NUCLEAR WEAPON. SO SHUT THE (BLEEP) UP. WE’VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT. WILLIAM H. MACY IS HERE. BUT WHEN WE RETURN, I’M GOING TO
SIT AMERICA DOWN AND GIVE IT A LITTLE FATHERLY ADVICE. STICK AROUND!