Katherine Ryan Stand-up


>>THANK YOU, JAMES. IT IS SO
WONDERFUL TO BE HERE IN WHAT’S LEFT OF AMERICA. (LAUGHTER)
I SPENT THE LAST YEAR TOURING ALL AROUND THE U.K., MOSTLY
MAKING PEOPLE ANGRY BECAUSE I HAVE ANNOUNCED THAT I DON’T WANT
A BOYFRIEND. AND THEY’RE LIKE BUT YOU COULD
GET ONEMENT I KNOW. I LOVE MEN BUT I FEAL THAT MEN
ARE LIKE DOLPHINS IN THAT THEY SHOULD BE ENJOYED ON HOLIDAY. (LAUGHTER)
AN THEY’RE VERY INTELLIGENT, ALMOST AS SMART AS PEOPLE. BUT THAT DOESN’T MEAN YOU SHOULD
HAVE ONE IN THE HOUSE. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE ONE, WHAT A
DISASTER THAT WOULD BE. WHAT DO THEY EVEN EAT? AND A LARGE NUMBER OF THEM TURN
OUT TO BE SEXUAL PREDATORS AS WELL. HASHTAG NOT ALL DOLPHINS BUT
MANY DOLPHINS. AND I JUST THINK I’M FAR TOO
YOUNG. I AM THE SAME AGE AS ADOLESCENT
TROUBLE MAKER MARK ZUCKERBERG, I’M ONLY 356789 AND I’M GOING TO
REMAIN SINGLE UNTIL I AM THE AGE THAT CELINEDION IS NOW, SHE SAN
ENTIRE O.J. SIMPSON PRISON SENTENCE AND A HALF OLDER THANL
I AM ANDHERE IS NOT A PERSON HERE WHO WOULDN’T BANG CELINE.>>YOU GET BET WE ARE EVERY DAY,
YOU GROW IN VALUE, SHE IS A FREAK IN THE STREETS AND A FREAK
IN THE SHEETS, YOU CAN BE BOTH, SHE IS LIVING HER BEST LIFE,
RELEASED ALBUMS IN JAPANESE, MANDARIN CHINESE, LATIN, GERMAN,
ITALIAN, SPANISH, FRENCH, ENGLISHING. THE CURRENT PRESIDENT OF THE
WORLD’S LARGEST ECONOMY CANNOT EVEN SPEAK ONE OF THOSE
LANGUAGES. (APPLAUSE)
AMAZING. AND I’M ALWAYS PROVOCATIVE. I’M USED TO IT I WAS THE ONLY
CHILD IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD WHO BELIEVED MY MOTHER
WHEN SHE SAID KATHERINE, THE BULLIES ARE JUST JEALOUS. I WAS LIKE GIRL, I KNOW. (LAUGHTER)
THE ONLY OTHER PLACE I HAD SEEN WOMEN VICTIMIZED FOR THEIR LOOKS
WAS IN MAGAZINES, WHEN IT HAPPENED TO ME I THOUGHT I HAVE
ARRIVED. THE OTHER CHILDREN COULD HAVE
PICKED LITERALLY ANYONE IN THE SCHOOL TO VICTIMIZE BUT THEY
CHOSE ME. AND ANOTHER GIRL WITH A CLEFT
PALATE AND ONE LEG BUT WE WERE THE KIM AND KAYNE OF THE FOURTH
GRAID. THEY THROW PAPER AT MY HEAD IN
CLASS, I WAS LIKE WHO SHOULD I MAKE THIS OUT TO AND THANK THEM
IT WAS COOL, MELANIA TRUMP IS THE MOST BULLIED PERSON ON
EARTH. AND THAT IS AN INNOCENT GOLD DIG
IRCAUGHT NP A DANGEROUS GAME. DANGEROUS SHE DIDN’T KNOW HE WAS
GOING TO BE PRESIDENT. SHE THOUGHT HE WOULD BE A
REGULAR BUSINESSMAN AND THEY COULD BE DIVORCED BY NOW,
BACKING ONE OF J.LO BACKUP DANCE ARES OR SEASON TWO OF A REALITY
SHOW, MELANIA UNCHAINED. IT DNT WORK OUT THAT WAY. WHERE DID SHE GO WRONG? SHE WENT TOO YOUNG. SHE WENT TOO YOUNG. YOU WANT TO GO OLD AT THE GOLD
DIGGING LIFESTYLE IS WHAT YOU NEED. OLD, LIKE YOU WANT– IF HE IS
STILL EATING SOLID FOOD, HE IS TOO YOUNG, DO YOU UNDERSTAND? (APPLAUSE)
GO FOR IT. GO FOR IT PUT IT ALL ON THE
TABLE AM YOU WANT HIM ONE VIGOROUS EVENING FROM YOU
GETTING A SUMMER HOUSE. WHEN I AM OLD ENOUGH TO FIND
TRUE LOVE I WILL DO IT ON A VERY POPULAR BRITISH DATING SHOW
CALLED NAKED ATTRACTION. OH PIE GOODNESS T IT IS SO
AMAZING. BRITISH TELEVISION IS OFF ITS
[BLEEP] SO THEY HAVE WONDERFUL HOSTS, ANN AN AND LET’S SAY SHE
HAS A CONTESTANT WHO IS LOOKING TO FIND TRUE LOVE N THIS CASE
HER NAME WAS EMILY AND SHE HAPPENS TO LIKE MEN. SO THEY HAVE NAKED MEN ON STAGE
BUT CONCEALED IN BOOTDS AND THEY ARE REVEALED BIT BY BIT. THE HOST SAYS EMILY WELCOME TO
NAKED ATTRACTION. WE’RE GOING TO REVEAL THE MEN
AND THEN THEY ARE REVEALED BUT NOT FROM THE TOP, NO, NO, NO,
THE BOXES LIFT UP FROM THE BOTTOM. JUST TO SHOW EMILY THEIR FEET,
KNEES, WILLIES AND BALLS, THAT IS THE SHOW. AND THEN THEY ZOOM IN AND THE
HOST SAYS EMILY, ARE THESE THE TYPE OF TESTIC ELS YOU WOULD
NORMALLY GO FOR? GO FOR? NO ONE IS GOING FOR ANY
TESTICLES EVER IN THEIR LIFE. WERE YOU SUPPOSED TO GET TO KNOW
SOMETHING, DEVELOP CHEMISTRY SO THAT WHEN YOU FINALLY SEE IT,
YOU DON’T RUN AWAY, THAT IS THE PLAN. NOT ON NAKED ATTRACTION. AND EMILY KNOWS SHE’S ON TV SO
SHE’S POLITE, YEAH, THEY’RE ALL WELL, NORRIS. LIE, IT IS VERY COLD IN THE
STUDIO, JUST LOOKS LIKE A POLICE LINE-UP OF FIVE GUILTY SNAILS
SUS PENNED IN FIELDS OF MOSS. BUT EMILY KNOWS SHE’S GOT TO GET
RID, IT IS ABOUT DEDUKS SO SHE CUES SECURE A RECOGNIZE.>>I’M NUMBER THREE ON ACCOUNT
OF HIS LEGS.>>JUST SAY MICROPENNIST AND LET
HIM LEAVE. HE DOESN’T GET TO THEN LEAVE,
HIS IDENTITY IS REVEALED SO YOU CAN FURTHER EMBARRASS HIS FAMILY
AND GIVE EMILEE AN AWKWARD LOVE GOOD-BYE. JUST ONE OF THESE BEND AT THE
WASTE, LIKE DON’T GET IT ON ME AND THEN THERE IS ONE LEFT AT
THE WASTE, SHE HAS SEEN EVERYTHING, HE IS EXACTLY THE
ONE FOR ME AND YOU SEE WHO IT IS AND SHE IS LIKE OH NO, IT’S MY
DAD. NO. NO. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR LISTENS. (APPLAUSE).>>James: KATHERINE RYAN,
EVERYBODY. WATCH THE FIX ON NETFLIX, COME
ON BACK, EVERYONE. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)