Child Grooming

Athena: Aloha from Birmingham or actually
Montgomery, Alabama. Everybody, I am traveling and welcome to another
week of Trauma Recovery University. I am Athena Moberg and I am a trauma recovery
coach and my amazing partner Bobbi Parish is in the green room right now and this week’s
topic, the whole entire week for all of our twitter chats and our live video, is grooming. Not like wash your hair, brush your teeth,
make sure that you’re clean but the grooming process that goes along with any type of abuse. We’re going to be talking specifically tonight
about child abuse, even more specifically childhood sexual abuse. But I would like you to keep in mind that
the grooming process is present during every single type of abuse out there whether it
be financial abuse, spiritual abuse, physical, verbal, emotional, sexual, you name it. There is a grooming process that goes along
with it and we’re going to explain to you what the grooming process looks like, what
the grooming process feels like and most importantly, we’re going to explain to you guys how to
recover from being groomed by a predator or an abuser. You choose your words. So again, I’m Athena Moberg and Bobbi Parish
is going to join me in just a moment. I am going to cover just a couple of housekeeping
items for you if you are tuning in from a podcast platform. So if that is you and you are listening and
not watching anywhere but, you can head over to
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subscribers or listeners or viewers or just an awesome survivor, we want to give you complimentary
access to tonight’s downloadable resource. Tonight’s downloadable resource can be found
at or Click on the tab that says Downloadables and
you will be given immediate access to tonight’s downloadable resource which is titled grooming
down at them very, very, very bottom of the downloadable page if you’re tuning in live
on September 21, 2015. Otherwise, just look down the list towards
the bottom probably for adult survivors of childhood abuse or child abuse survivors and
the grooming OnePage and you’ll be able to follow along in the teaching portion of tonight’s
broadcast. However, if you would like to send us questions,
please tweet us every single week using the #NoMoreShame hash tag. You can actually hang out with us, ask a question
and interact with us live and in fact every single Monday at 6PM Pacific, 9PM Eastern
or 8PM Central which is where I happen to be this week with Bobbi, we’re in this big
time zone. I’m so excited, so yes we would love to hear
from you use the hash tag #NoMoreShame and go to Twitter and send us your questions or
just say hello. And if this is your first time joining us,
we want to give you a very special welcome so don’t forget to say hi to us. You can reach us any day of the week 24/7
by sending us an e-mail with your questions that you would like answered on the air to
[email protected] and without further ado, I’m just going to go ahead and turn this
over to Bobbi Parish and she will complete our trigger warning and update us on our annual
anthology. And if you would like updates on our website,
our new website and our university and our tuition that’s coming up and everything
else, I’ll answer those questions a little bit later because I’ve been a little low
over a long travel but I don’t think I forgot anything. Take it away Bobbi. Bobbi: You did not forget anything and we
already have a nice group of people watching. I want to say hi to Julie Ann and Melissa
and Sarah and Beth and Susan, are all out there. Athena: Hi Kate. Bobbi: Yes. Kate was the first. Athena: And Susan. Susan and Kate were there together. Bobbi: Yes and there’s Jack, Jack just showed
up. One of the nice things about doing a twitter,
interactive twitter is not only can they interact with us but they can interact with each other
and that is so awesome because it gives everyone a chance to get a little more access to community
and support and encouragement which is what Athena and I are all about. This is a video about childhood sexual abuse
and child abuse so we want to issue a big old twitter warning, trigger warning, twitter
warning, wow where’d that come from. Athena: You’re getting a trigger warning on
twitter or whatever. Bobbi: I am. Twitter trigger warning, there’s a tongue
twister. Please take excellent care of yourself as
you’re listening and watching tonight’s broadcast especially if you’re both watching and listening. Survivors tend to be very visual people because
we grew up hyper vigilant and having to watch our surroundings all the time to determine
if we were safe and so. Athena: Hey, Billie is here tonight. Hi Billie, and Joe is here. What’s up Joe? Oh my gosh Bobbi, they’re both here. Haven’t seen them for a while. Bobbi: We have not. We have not. Athena: Oh, sorry. I interrupted. Bobbi: That’s ok. If you feel yourself triggered while you’re
watching tonight, just go ahead and change your viewing pleasure to something else and
come back to this. The video will be up on YouTube within a couple
of hours after we’re finished here and you can finish watching it then if you’d like
or you can wait a couple of days and come back and finish it. We don’t want you to be in distress or in
crisis because of this vide but if you feel that you’re triggered and you need immediate
help, we want you to reach out to our friends at RAINN and that is at 1800-656-HOPE or you
can access them on their crisis chat feature on their website and that is The Rape Abuse Incest National Network and
they are fantastic. We refer people there all the time to get
information and help and we have yet to have any kind of a complaint other than sometimes
you have to wait in line on the crisis chat feature but that is an awesome thing to do
because it’s wonderful sometimes to be able to sit in bed and type to someone rather than
have to speak on the phone. So you know that both of those are available
to you. We are coming up on NoMoreShame in November
and that is month that we have declared to be about awareness and advocacy for childhood
sexual abuse and we spend that month sharing our message on a variety of different forums
and media formats in order to raise that awareness and advocate for survivors and what they need
to make a complete healing process. So go over to and click
on the tab that says Pinnables. And you will see a button there that says
NoMoreShame November 2015 that Athena designed and right click and snag that for yourself
and you can use it as your avatar or a button on your blog or whatever it is that you’d
like to do to support us in our campaign for NoMoreShame November. And we’re also going to be doing a blog round
up so if you write about childhood sexual abuse or childhood abuse and you would like
us to include your blog, this email that information to [email protected] Athena has been traveling this week. She has been in Birmingham and now she’s
in Montgomery and tomorrow, right tomorrow is Tuesday. She’s going to be headed to Seattle and we
have talked a lot with survivors, we’ve talked with all of you about the concept of trauma
informed care and that means that all helping professionals, whether they’re a nurse or
a physician or a mental health professional or a social worker or any kind of helping
professional is informed about the nature of trauma and how it affects us because scientific
research has shown us more and more lately that childhood trauma can drastically affect
our bodies and our minds as we grow older and so we have been working very hard to inform
survivors about what trauma can do to them and we have gotten pretty clear information
that this is information that we need to be sharing with medical professionals, non-profit
organizations that reach out to people and social workers and we want to do that but
we don’t quite know where to start and so if you are watching this and you are someone
who belongs to an organization that could use some information about trauma informed
care or you know someplace that you have a connection that you can help us to reach out
to. Athena: Well. Can I share this for two seconds Bobbi? I want to tag what you are saying Bobbi. Bobbi: Absolutely. Athena: So the reason that Bobbi is mentioning
this to you guys and why we’re so excited about this particular area is I was here speaking
in Birmingham and then came to Montgomery and both places I was speaking with people
and it was brought up a couple of different times. “Athena, why are you and Bobbi not targeting
large health care organizations? You need to be calling on them. Send your information, send your resources. You already have colleges, universities that
are supplementing their work with your work. Wouldn’t it make sense for you to target health
care organizations like hospitals or mental health facilities or whatever?” I mean it’s not like we’re going to like charge
them for the resource because what’s the point? The point is to spread awareness and to spread
support and to invite people into our secret safe groups where they can be involved in
pure live communities where they are loved and understood unconditionally. And so I brought that up in my meeting with
Bobbi today and we load on tonight and we decided we were going to put it out to you
guys because every single time we reach out to you, we get a flood of emails which by
the way is [email protected] and you guys give us the greatest ideas and you
give us the greatest contacts and resources. So we want to tap into your wealth of knowledge
and your sphere of influence and any of you, I’m thinking of Renae and her husband right
now, over in the Pacific Northwest. A few guys have contacts in health organizations
or hospitals or mental health facilities or whatever, you first of all, what do you even
think about us wanting to go and the idea would be for us to present, to go and speak
to them about trauma informed care and about communities and how they can facilitate that
and how they can provide more excellent care for adult survivors of childhood trauma. What are your thoughts on that? We want to hear all of your thoughts even
if it’s like “Bobbi and Athena, you all are nuts, no one’s going to listen to you.” Just okay if you send that, we might ignore
you because we don’t believe it’s true but we want you to share your thoughts and
we want you to be open with us and give us your ideas. I met with the most incredible group of women
this past weekend and I got so many wonderful ideas and support and I feel very encouraged
being here and I’m just so grateful for the experience even though I’m exhausted and
I really miss my husband and I’m super, duper homesick and traveling is way overrated. I’m grateful that I came here and I’m grateful
I’m given the opportunity to present and to meet the wonderful ladies I met but we
want you guys to tell us, you guys are beautiful. So we want you to tell us your thoughts, we
want your input, we want you to tell us, “Yes, you should contact this organization and this
is the person and the e-mail address. Why don’t I just send a personal recommendation,
an introduction since I know them personally and went to fourth grade with them? That would be ideal. So just hold our little hand and walk us into
corporate and show us what we need to talk to you and if they tell us “no”, they
tell us “no” but at least we got the VIP red carpet treatment right into their office. So there, there’s the moon and the stars and
if we get anything from that, then we’ll be super grateful and we’ll keep you updated
along the way. Go ahead Bobbi, I sort of hijacked your deal. Bobbi: No, no, no you explained it really
well. I just know that the more that I talk to survivors
and explain to them the way trauma affects their bodies, that the vast majority of them
are like “Wow, I had no idea. I had no idea that the migraines I’ve been
experiencing could be related to my childhood trauma. I have no idea that the arthritis that I’m
experiencing, I have no idea that the celiac disease that causes me to have to be gluten
free could all be tied into my trauma. Why did my doctor ask me? Why did my doc know?” And what we want is to be able to get this
information out there widely disseminated so that when you go in to see your doctor,
they’re going to ask you about your trauma history and they’re going to be better able
to help you because they know your trauma history. And when they know your trauma history, they
can provide you with the right care and the right diagnosis, which can be a little bit
harder if they don’t know how what your childhood may have done to your body and to your brain. So that’s our goal other than working with
all of you is to get out there and get the stuff available so that she you have a better
quality experience as you go out in the world and interact with helping professionals of
all kinds. So if you have anything for us that can help
us make that connection, we’d love it, otherwise we’re going to just kind of move on and start
to talk about grooming. I missed chat this morning because I had a
horrific migraine from Hades and so shiny blue dress, Susan helped and Athena led the
chat and I understand that Brenda and Elaine were very helpful so I am so thankful. Athena: Jack made a sanity sign. Bobbi: Oh. Jack had a graphic, fantastic. Susan has some great graphics too. So go to twitter, shiny blue dress. She has four graphics that are just absolutely
incredible and in fact, let’s start with one of them because it’s a story that is the perfect
description of grooming. I mean if you walk up to a child on the street
and you say “Hello, could I please kidnap you and take you away to a strange person’s
home and do harm to you?” they’re run the other direction. But if they are groomed, that same thing can
happen to them and they will follow willingly. That’s what grooming us all about. So one of the graphics that Susan has is a
perfect demonstration and it’s a picture of a stock pot sitting on top of a stove and
in the stockpot is a frog hanging over the edge. And the graphic and I’m not going to say it
exactly but it basically, I think Susan’s tweeted it. I want to read. Athena: I really want to say hello to Sarah. Sarah has joined us tonight and I just wanted
you to know Sarah that I appreciate you and I love you and I’m sending you the biggest
virtual hug tonight. So I hope that you are watching on video and
not just tweeting but anyway everybody, say hi to Sarah, please. She is near and dear to my heart. Bobbi: So here’s the graphic, can you see
it? There you go, there you go. You can see it. I read it to you. It says, grooming in child sex abuse or exploitation
is like boiling a frog. Put a frog in boiling water and he’d jump
straight out. But if you put him in cold water, then gradually
turn on the heat, the frog would stay and die. Why? Because he would be unaware of the danger
that he is in. Now, add in to that, the very important element
of the frog needs to be in water, right? Because frogs need water so if the same thing
would happen if you put him in the just an empty pan. So keep in mind that maybe you’re feeding
him while he’s in there. So you’re being kind to him and you’re giving
him things that he needs while he’s in the pot and that is a critical part of the grooming
process. I’m going to look at the stages of grooming
here in just a minute, but I want to re issue a trigger warning because talking about the
grooming process can be very triggering and it might lead you to having flashbacks of
things that happened to you when you were a child. And sometimes, when we get educated about
a part of our trauma even though it’s good, we need to have that education in order to
pick it apart and heal it and we need to have that education so we can educate our children
and so we don’t fall victim to another predator, that doesn’t mean it’s not going to be triggering. So please take excellent care of yourselves
tonight as you’re listening to this, as we’re talking about it. It can be very difficult to listen and we’re
not sharing this information with you, I hope you know in order to trigger you. We share this information so that you are
educated because Athena and I firmly believe when you were educated, you were empowered
and empowered people heal faster. It’s that simple. Empowered people heal faster and we want you
to be empowered. So, Athena, is there anything you want to
share before I pop up the OnePage? Athena: I want to say hi to Tata. Bobbi: Ah, I saw her on there. Athena: I know. I’m going to get to meet you in person in
West Palm Beach at the beginning of November. I am so excited. I think it’s the first or second week? Bobbi I don’t remember the dates I gave
you, but I think it’s the second, it’s like the ninth. Bobbi: It’s the second. You’ll be there on the ninth through the
fourteenth. Athena: Yeah. I’m speaking the ninth and the eleventh and
the thirteenth and fourteenth. I’m speaking for different times and speaking
like a celebrate recovery type of thing or something like a life solution and then at
youth group and then at a ladies event. That’s a two day or so, super excited to meet
you on person. Yes. Okay that’s all I really wanted to say. I’m just excited for tonight you guys because
grooming is a really, really, really big deal and I want you, please don’t miss this. Please, please, please do not miss this. How critical it is for you as a survivor to
not minimize the after effects of grooming. If you had a father or a mother or a grandfather
or a grandmother and they groomed you to be their pets or their object of their affection,
they did so by meeting your needs, by making it safe for you, by taking notice to things
that were not already being taken of, giving you attention that you did not already have. This came up this morning during chat more
than anything else and I want to say this out loud and I want to say it to your faces. You were children. You could not have stopped this. It was a freight train. You were a child. This was a person that was an adult and they
manipulated you, they groomed you. It was not your fault. It was not your fault. You could not have stopped it if you wanted
to. You were a child and you were dependent upon
other adults that were around you. I’m just going to talk about my situation. If one of your grandparents bought you a new
musical instrument that you needed for orchestra in order to lure you so that you could be
trafficked and lent out and so that they could get free things and then if one of your parents
groomed you and took you out for fast food because you were hungry and you needed to
eat and then took you places to lend you out so that you could be trafficked. Now, you guys can see me, you can see my face,
you can see my eyes. When you picture if I was a little girl like
seven or eight or ten or eleven years old, do you think that I have control over my grandparents
or my parents or my other family members that are calculating and manipulating me so that
they can lend me out and traffic me and receive gifts and services? Do you honestly think I could have handled
that and stopped it all from happening if I was a little seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven,
twelve, thirteen, fifteen, seventeen year old little girl? Honestly. Now swap that around and that compassion that
you just felt for me, give it to yourself. It was not your fault. That’s what I wanted to say Bobbi. I came up a lot during chat this morning. Bobbi: And it’s important also I think for
people to realize that our needs, the fact that we had needs, is not our fault. I mean you talk about the musical instruments
and buying the food and the special treats. But what you wanted even more than that Athena
was attention and approval and love and it was not your fault that you needed those things. So when they were presented to you in the
way of “Hey Athena, let’s go for a ride in the car. I want to spend time with you.” And that’s something you desperately want
as a child is to have time with your mother, to have your mother’s approval and love and
affection and she offers it and hands it to you, of course you’re going to take that. So it’s not your fault that you were groomed
and it’s not your fault that you were raised in an environment that left you vulnerable
and open to being groomed. None of these. And we’ll talk some more about it here as
we as we walk through these different. Athena: I really want people to know how difficult
this is to listen to. I really want you to know how difficult it
is for us to talk about. It isn’t easy. We sit here waving our hands around and talking
to you and talking with you about childhood sexual abuse and grooming and having our parents
and grandparents lend us out and traffic us as though we’re talking about what we had
for lunch yesterday, this is hard, this is difficult, difficult stuff but we’re here
to bring to you real. This is straight talk. These are strategies for you so that you can
get better and you feel loved and accepted and cared for. This isn’t for fun. This isn’t like the most awesome thing that
we would love to be talking about like “Sure we would love to talk about what we had for
lunch” but this is way more important. You guys are more important. We dedicate this hour every single week and
the other hours that we have other twitter chats every single week to you because you
need to hear these things, you need to hear that it wasn’t your fault. I need to hear that it wasn’t my fault. Bobbi needs to hear that it wasn’t her fault. Sarah and Nora and Susan and Jack and Cimmi
and all of you and Megan and all of you out there, every single one of you that are tuning
in live to watch this video, when you guys are going to tune in to this, months and years
from now, you know that this is not your fault. Ok? It is a really, really, really big deal. It was not your fault that you had needs like
hunger, clothing, shelter, affection, attention, love, acceptance, kindness. Those are natural things that you needed and
it’s not your fault, I need you to know that. And one more thing that you all are tweeting
about right now, it is possible to watch us live and tweet at the same time. Go to our website or
just click on Every single week, you can watch us live and
tweet right there on the front page of our website. If you need to move the twitter widget up
right underneath video, then I am happy to do that as I want to make your life easier
for you. You’ve had everything hard enough. Goodness gracious, this is not your fault. I just need you all to know. I’m going to say twenty five thousand more
times in this episode. Grooming and being groomed as a child was
not your fault. It just wasn’t. I’m sorry that you’re all struggling and I’m
struggling too. It’s hard but you know what? It wasn’t my fault. I know that now. It’s hard to believe sometimes. It is hard to believe. Bobbi: And the thing is is that the reason
it’s hard is because they’re grooming taught us the exact opposite. Athena: I just don’t want them to miss this
Bobbi. I don’t want them to miss the fact that it
wasn’t their fault. You can probably click on the OnePage and
they may start crying. Bobbi: Let’s talk about that. Let’s talk about the different stages and
I’m going to move over to here. Here we go. Grooming is the process that predators use
to gain control over a child for the purpose of sexually abusing them. Abusers use a series of manipulative behaviors
involving tangible and intangible means, meaning sometimes they’re just meeting our need for
affection, sometimes it’s that “I really want to play soccer but my parents don’t have
the money and hey look, soccer coach said he’d pay for it himself.” They’re meeting tangible and intangible needs
to exploit the child while maintaining control over them so that they do not resist or report
the abuse and even more so, I’m going to add to this right here. They do it not only to maintain control over
the child but they do it in order to blame the child. One of the end results when you get a child
all the way through the grooming process and we’re going to walk all the way through it
here in a minute. The end result is telling the child, making
the child believe that it was their fault. I was abused from the ages of three until
about eleven and during those years, my abuser was so kind to me other than the fact, picking
up and removing the sexual abuse piece. But his actions outside of, that his words,
even his words while he was abusing me, very kind, very loving, special gifts, special
treatment. I felt like the most incredible child in the
world. But then when the abuse stopped, now all the
sudden, I was a pig and I would never be good of anything other than being a whore and I
had seduced him and it was my fault and I should be ashamed. And from that point until I left home was
a campaign of verbal and emotional abuse that the only reason it happened, that happened
was to tear me down, blame me and keep me silent. And I believed it. Here was someone that I was supposed to depend
on and he was telling me that this was my worth. This was my fault. I had caused him to do something wrong. Can you imagine? An eleven years old thinking to yourself,
“I caused this man to abuse me. I caused him to do something horrible. This is my fault.” and of course wrapped into this for my family
was the whole concept of religious sin and of course that meant I was going to go to
hell in basket because I had caused this man to sin. And it is a terrible thing. That is the essence of the mind games that
go on in grooming. That’s why it’s so important that you know
about the grooming process, you understand the grooming process and you’re able to identify
things in your life, your thoughts, the thoughts that you still have, the beliefs you still
have, that came from that grooming process because now you can take them apart and dismantle
them because you’re empowered. Athena, how are you? Athena: I’m ok. I’m ok, thank you for checking on me. I’m just trying to re-tweet everybody and
we need to pause in a couple minutes and perhaps, identify and expound upon the fact that when
a predator is online, it can look different if it’s not in person. I know that it might be an entirely different
hour long episode of online predators which I’m willing to lead because I have so much
knowledge in that area because I’m getting ready to teach a webinar on that on October
like I think it’s the sixteenth. I think it’s the sixteenth, I can’t remember
but I’m teaching a two hour class on how to protect your children from online predators
and what it even looks like but we could touch briefly on it a little bit if you really wanted
to. Bobbi: We can. Absolutely and that’s important. So the first stage is called targeting the
victim. So this is where the predator selects a child
that he or she, remember we’re not talking about just men. Women are predators too. Athena: Yes they are. Bobbi: So here, she perceives a child as being
needy, easily isolated and responsive to manipulation. This is one of the reasons and we harp on
this and we harp on this, you must raise your child with a healthy self-esteem. It’s just critical because a child with a
healthy self-esteem is not going to appear as responsive to manipulation as a child who
doesn’t have a really healthy self-esteem. That’s not a guarantee but again, predators
are looking for easy prey. They’re looking for the child that legs behind
in the herd, right? I grew up watching what was that horrible
show, Mutual of Omaha, you remember that Athena? Athena: Yeah. It’s the gazelle or the lion or the leg
behind it. Bobbi: Right, right, right the lion. Athena: It attacks for the trigger or whatever
it is. Bobbi: Yes, yes and he’s doing as zigzag running
and the gazelle that is slower than everyone else is perhaps sick or wounded hey, the snow
that is perhaps sick or wounded. That doesn’t necessarily mean physically. That can mean a child who is not getting what
they need at home or whose parents are alcoholics or somehow in some way dysfunctional and therefore
that child does not have the tools they need to resist a predator. So the second stage: building trust. Now the predator is engaging the child and
they’re going to show them special attention and favor. Nothing untoward is going to happen at this
point. All they’re doing is building, building, building,
building relationships and trust with this child. They want the child to see them coming and
the light up with a smile. That’s what they want. The third stage: filling a need. In this stage, the predator begins to provide
the child with something that he or she perceives the child is missing and craving. And children, like we talked about earlier,
it’s not your fault that you needed attention and affection and approval. Good grief, that’s an innate human born need,
all of those are. So they will choose a child that needs those
things and perhaps they need other things. Perhaps they need a pair of cleats for the
soccer game. Perhaps they need that cool new backpack that
everybody else has their parents can afford to buy for them. One of the things for me was a pair of red
shoes, it’s not necessarily, but it made me so happy that he got those for me because
it made me feel special and it wasn’t really about the shoes, it was about the fact that
he saw me worthy of that gift. So they begin to fill that need, tangible
and tangible and intangible ways. They fill the need, they fill the need, they
fill the need and again, now even more so, when the child sees that person coming, they
feel happiness, they feel a safety and guess what? They want to please that person because that’s
what children do. When children have a relationship with an
adult that they trust, they want to please that person and they want that person’s approval. And that, that trust and that desire to please
is what the predators now going to start preying upon. So now goes into isolating the child. Now that the predators built trust and filled
a need, they leverage that in order to isolate the child because the child cannot be harmed
while other people are watching. Maybe that child will not tell but other children
may. So it’s important that the predator isolate
the child. This is where they start to tell secrets. They tell the child that their relationship
is a secret or that others wouldn’t approve of their friendship. Athena: I got to cut in here. I got to talk about something. I was told by one of my abusers that no one
else in the family would ever understand how I was her favorite. Bobbi: Yeah. Athena: No one would understand and it would
hurt their feelings. Did I want to hurt my family members? Did I want to hurt my cousin’s feeling? Did I want to hurt my mom’s feelings? Did I want to hurt anybody’s feelings? Did I want to bring pain upon them? Well if I didn’t, then I would be quiet about
the special outfits that I was getting and the special gifts that I would get and the
special meals that I got to eat and the special trips in the car that I got to go in. I was told over and over and over and over
and over and over by one of my abusers that no one would understand that I was her special
lady bug. Bobbi: Yeah. Athena: Okay, go ahead. Bobbi: Exactly. No, all of these are examples and sometimes
we really learn by example so absolutely. And the child, you know the child doesn’t
want to lose that relationship because remember they trust and they want to please that adult
and they’re not going to do anything jeopardize that relationship. The secrets are built upon shame and fear. And the child to protect that relationship,
to protect the secrets, begins to isolate himself or herself. Now remember just a couple stages ago, the
predator was isolating the child. Now, the predator has the child’s thinking
so confused that the child begins to isolate themselves. The abuser doesn’t need to isolate the child
at that point. The child does it him or herself. Athena: Yep. I was grateful to be quiet. It was my special, special secret that I was
the most special one. I was the most special. I got special outfits. I got special gifts. I got special trips in the car every week
or every other week to go special places, guess where? So that I could be trafficked out and lent
out. For those of you out there that are watching
or listening right now and you think that we don’t understand that you were used and
abused for years and years and years and years and years, we get it. We’re not minimizing what you’ve been through;
we just want you to know you’re not alone and that we get it. Are you there Bobbi? I think you might have hit the mute button,
I’m sorry. Bobbi? I think Bobbi might have to come back in guys,
so, I believe that we were on isolating the child and so Bobbi’s going to come back in
just a second but we we’re talking about how isolating the child starts off as the
abuser trying to isolate them and take them to special places or whatever. But once the child has gotten far enough along
in the grooming process, they’re happy to keep things a secret. They’re happy to isolate themselves. They’re happy to be quiet. They’re happy to keep the secrets. They’re happy to be the ones to do the predator’s
job for them. Now, when you’re along and you’re at this
point of the grooming process, it is so, so, so, so painful for a child to even think about
not having this person in their life. So for instance, one of my abusers that would
take me and buy me clothing because I didn’t have nice clothes or they would introduce
me to people that would buy me nice clothes or they would take me special places where
I got to go to the circus or they would take me out to special restaurants that I had never
been to before or they have buy me a new musical instrument that I needed for school so that
I could compete and play an orchestra and I got to sit on first chair. And so all of these things, if you were to
ask me at that point in my childhood if I would have been okay had my abuser not been
in my life? I would have been devastated. It would have been horrifically challenging
for me to even grasp the concept of what it would have been like for my abuser to not
be in my life because they were everything to me. They were giving me things that I never had. They were giving me things that I needed. They were giving me gifts. They were giving me food. They were giving me affection and attention
and shelter. They were taking care of me. And so at this point in the grooming process,
when a child has been groomed for all these different stages that we’re sharing with you
and they’re actually glad to keep it a secret, it’s because they have been told that if they
speak up, that their relationship could end. “What are you going to do without me? What are you going to do if I’m not around
anymore? Who’s going to buy you all of your reads for
your clarinet? Who’s going to take you to the dentist and
make sure that your teeth are straight? Who’s going to take you know your orthodontist
appointments? Who’s going to take you out to eat a special
restaurant? Who’s going to buy you those nice clothes? Who is going to take care of you and make
sure that that you get picked up on time and that you get taken care of and that you aren’t
having to stay in that abusive home that you’re at? Do you want me to go away? Do you want me to not be around anymore? Do you want to just stay and not see me anymore?” Of course not. Then you’re like traumatized. I remember the thought of losing my abusers
and it was horrifically terrifying for me you guys. First of all, my mother and I were trauma
bonded. I saw her being beaten from an inch of her
life over and over and over and over again. And if I didn’t make it to the phone fast
enough before it got ripped out of the wall, then I thought she was going to die if I didn’t
call 911. I would run as far as I could to the neighbor’s
house but we lived out in the middle of the country where homes weren’t right next to
one another the way they are these days. Guess what that’s called? That’s called isolation. And so again, I just want to stress to you
how difficult it is when you’re at this point of the grooming process and it is inconceivable
that you would not be able to have this person in your life anymore. So we’re going to move along to the next bullet
point and we’re going to wait for Bobbi to come on back. I know that she’s having some trouble with
her computer perhaps so but see here, I am going to bring up the OnePage and we’ll go
down to that next to bullet point. Why don’t you guys send in some tweets right
now and give me some examples of situations? Jack is tweeting in. Oh no, Bobbi’s machine crashed you guys. So we’re going to wing it. So I’m going to go ahead and present the OnePage
and do all the techie stuff that Bobbi normally does. Bobbi, I need you. Okay where is it? I just designed it today so I should look
at the day, goodness gracious. Oh boy. Here we go, I will present, oh Bobbi, do I
hear you? Bobbi: I’m here. Athena: Oh, I was trying to wing it. I was going to pull it up on my end. Oh you want me to pull it up though? I’m happy to pull it up. Bobbi: That’s ok. I’ll get it. It was just so weird. My whole screen went blue and gave me this
awful crash report telling me basically that my whole computer had decided to die. Athena: The blue screen is horrible if you
guys were on windows platform and you’re not on a Mac and you get a blue screen of death. Bobbi, I want to share with you exactly what
I shared with everybody while you were away. Okay? Bobbi: Yes. Athena: So I went to that bullet point where
we were talking about how the groomer and the abuser don’t even have to isolate anymore. The child is happy to isolate. The thought of not having that person in their
lives anymore is absolute devastating and I gave an example like what was I going to
do? Was I going to give up being picked up from
school every week or every other week to go to the orthodontist? What was I going to do if my teeth weren’t
straight? Oh my goodness. Was I going to give up that special time in
the car? Was I’m not going to go to check on cheese
anymore? Was I not going to have huge? Was I not going to have a nice clarinet and
my clarinet reeds that I needed so that I could actually play and sit first chair? I mean if you would have asked me if I couldn’t
have those people in my life, I would have been completely devastated. So that’s kind of where I was and then I was
getting ready to pull up the OnePage once I had resolve to the fact that maybe you couldn’t
come back. Bobbi: I so identify with that because when
my abuser stopped sexually abusing me and began verbally, emotionally abusing me, it
broke my heart. It broke my heart. I would have taken the sexual abuse back if
I could have gotten his favor and love I would. have traded it. I would have. Now of course, I know that that would haven’t
been a good idea, but that point as an eleven year old little girl who had built her world
around my abuser’s kindness and approval and attention, when it was yanked away from
me and I was all the sudden declared a whore and a pig and the cause of him creating great
sin, that tore me apart. That tore me apart. So I don’t want anyone to ever minimize the
power of that relationship and that is part of that power of a trauma bond that we have
talked about before and we probably need to talk about again. Athena: I talked about that a little bit about
how I watch my mom. I was so bonded to her because I watched her
get beaten from an inch of her life so many times that I would try to get the phone and
if I didn’t make the phone on time, it was my fault when she died. It was my fault when she died because I didn’t
make it to the phone. Bobbi: Oh isn’t that ironic? Athena: Yes. It would have been my fault. Bobbi: It would been your fault. Athena: Yes, and so I would run to the closest
house I can find. The houses we’re not all very, very, very
close together because we were isolated out in the country. I mean we had neighbors and stuff but like
we didn’t have a relationship with the one neighbor and it was very clear to me. I was told by my parents that I should never
talk to that neighbor because he wasn’t safe and then the other neighbor who lives a little
bit farther and he wouldn’t have relationships with any of the neighbors. Of course because hello, isolation. Anyway, I could go on. Sorry. But yeah, trauma bond. Bobbi: Was that perfect storm? Perfect storm. Athena: It was the perfect storm. Bobbi: It was the perfect set up. Athena: It was the perfect little, little”
let’s just spin it around, let’s just yup, oop. This is perfect, yup. The storm is perfect. She’s going to be confused.” Bobbi: Right. Athena: She needs me. Look she’s out in the middle of the country. She doesn’t live in Anaheim anymore right
near Disney land where everybody knows where she lives. Now she’s out in the middle of nowhere. Good lord. Oh my gosh, something started. Sorry, I guess it’s time for the OnePage. Bobbi: Okay let us pick up where we left off
before my computer decided so rudely to crash. Athena: How rude. Bobbi: I know. Athena: So I sort of finish up that the abuser
doesn’t even need to isolate the child anymore at that point and I did not go into sexualizing
the relationship yet. Bobbi: So this is the hard part. I’m going to take a deep breath. So the predator now has all the components
of the grooming process in place in order to begin sexually abusing the child. And the abuse will typically escalate over
time. And there will often be an element of fear
attached to it even if it’s simply a fear of losing the special relationship they have
with the abuser. My abuse started with just touching and then
it escalated and it got more, more invasive and more physically damaging over years of
time. I think it’s kind of a misnomer that an abuser
comes in your bedroom in the middle of the night and commits child rape and then walks
away and that’s the whole ballgame. Very often, it’s not. It starts out with small appropriate touches
and then moves to small inappropriate touches. But by now, the child is so in meshed in the
relationship that even if they have been told “you shouldn’t let someone touch you like
that”, they will allow it to happen because they have been so perfectly groomed. Even if our intuition is screaming inside
our head “this is not right, this is not right, this is not right, this is not right”,
we will allow it to happen because we’re frightened and we’re children and we’ve been groomed. And so this is often the start of a process
where people start to disassociate because they know that something is not going right
but they don’t have the capacity to cope and they certainly don’t have the capacity to
just say “hey wait this is wrong. You’re an evil person and I’m leaving.” It’s not an option and this is where you
can see the power of dissociation come in and rescue the child. Athena: I realized this past week during all
my travels that biting my fingernails is a coping strategy. Bobbi: Yes. Athena: It takes a lot of focus to bite your
fingernails. Bobbi: It does, it does. Athena: Lot of focus. Bobbi: That’s so true. You’re so right. And that brings us to the last point of the
grooming process and that is maintaining control. At this point, the predator is actively abusing
the child while continuing to fill their needs and keep them isolated. Oftentimes, the abuser will now actively shame
that child for agree to be an active participant in the sexual relationship, as if the child
had that capacity to agree. The shame becomes a very powerful silencing
and isolating tool. The abuser has now become a significant source
of meeting the child’s needs so much so the child fears losing the relationship and will
acquiesce to all the abuser’s requests. Here’s an important piece, okay people: the
child is now doubting his or her capacity to perceive reality and now is relying upon
the abuser statements of what is reality. So the child might be saying “I don’t like
that. That hurts. I don’t think this is right.” “Yes it is. This is right. I love you.” Athena: What do you mean that hurts? It didn’t hurt last time. You didn’t say it hurt last time, you liked
it last time. Bobbi: Yeah. Everything, everything they can do to undermine
because when the child can’t trust her own reality, you have to trust something. You have to trust some reality. And if I can’t trust my own, I’m a child,
I’m going to trust my parents or I’m going to trust this person who is a huge chunk of
my life. And this is the thing. These are the things that we take into adulthood,
that inability to trust our own perceptions, that inability to rely on our own interpretation
of reality. Eventually the abuse ends. Either ends because the abuse gets reported
or “the child ages out of the relationship” or for example in my situation, my abuser
became frightened that I would become pregnant and so he stopped abusing me. So the abuse ended but the damage from the
grooming did not and that is the hard piece that we then have to tackle in our recovery
is the inability to trust ourselves, the shame and the contorted perceptions of what a loving
relationship looks like. I understand that you may have sat through
a health class in high school about what a loving relationship is like. And you know healthy communication in that
whole but yeah, yeah, yeah, you may have sat through that but that was not your experience. And when you go out into the world as an adult
and you begin to have relationships with other adults, you’re not going to start doing
what you learned in health class. You can rely on what you know and that is
the piece where things fall apart is that we have now taken that image and that experience
that we had as a child and we’re superimposing it upon every relationship we have as an adult. And that’s where we start to trip and fall
down and that’s why we get re-victimized. So there are three necessary components to
the healing process. The first is that you must have a therapeutic
one-to-one relationship that helps you to work through the after effects of grooming
whether that’s a counselor, a coach, a clergy person, a social worker or whatever it is,
you need to have that person. It’s the same as like a sponsor that you would
have an alcohol synonymous or narcotics anonymous. You have to have that one person with whom
you can be brutally open and trust and be just raw as heck because we’re not going to
admit to other people at least initially as we’re beginning to recover. “Hey, I had this happen to me as a child
and I believe it was my fault because I somehow as a three year old seduced to this adult
male and it was all my fault.” You’re not going to tell somebody that. You need to have, you really do, you have
got to have that healing one-on-one relationship with someone that can help you work through
the aftereffects of grooming and with whom you can be safe, being totally brutal and
frank about what you experienced. The second thing is you must have education
about grooming and its harmful lasting after effects. We teach these things and people go “Oh
my word. I had no idea that’s where I learned that. I had no idea why I learned that. I had no idea that even wasn’t what you’re
supposed to do.” So you need to have the education piece, you
just have to. It will truly speed your healing process. And here’s the community piece, Athena and
I by now if you’ve been with us for any period of time, we’re never going to leave this
piece out. You must have intentional, consistent, active
involvement in a safe supportive community that will validate and support your healing
process as well as allow you to practice healthy, new communications and behaviors. Without a place to get validation because
for most of us, we didn’t get that validation and we’re never going to get it from our families,
that’s where a lot of people usually get their validation is from their family relationships. It’s not going to happen for us, for a lot
of us because we were ostracized for their families or one of my clients says she’s the
white sheep because she doesn’t follow along with all the nasty evil things that go on
in her family. So she calls herself the white sheep instead
of the black sheep. Athena: I am too. They all can’t stand me, almost all of them. It’s totally true because they all are very,
very nasty. I told you guys on one of the episodes that
I’ve had various family members. One of them poured hot coffee on me as the
baby just for fun. The other one’s decided to make fun of me
and ostracize me in front of everyone just to see if I would cry. They made sure to tell me out loud that I
was not welcome. I mean it was just mean. I was bullied. I was bullied by nasty, nasty miserable human
beings and every single one of them is all still nasty and miserable. I mean there, you know, live in their lives
wherever they’re living all over the country, they’re all spread out and most of them don’t
like each other. All of them don’t like me. They blame everybody else for everything,
they’re miserable, they find excuses to complain about everything, their favorite things to
say “You must be nice” or “you deserve that” or “you just don’t understand”
or whatever. It’s always just something to complain about. I am the white sheep. Did that sound like something I would even
say? I mean, I’m responsible for my own actions. I’m responsible for my choices. I’m responsible for my attitudes. I’m responsible for being fully present with
you guys. I could tell you “oh I’m traveling and it’s
been super triggering and I’m super exhausted. I only slept 4 hours a night for the last
week and a half.” Would that be me being real or would that
be me making excuses? Well maybe a little bit of but I’m responsible. I’m here I’m fully present. I’m responsible for whether I am self-centered
or I’m putting you guys and making you a priority because you deserve it and I’m responsible
for the choices I make like what I eat and who I surround myself with and what I listen
to and what I choose to say or do. And it’s my choice if I want to be a giver
or a taker. I was raised by a family of takers. I’m not saying that I don’t have a couple
of family members that are very, very, very giving. I do, a couple like a couple. But the rest of my family members, my blood
family, they are takers not givers and I have a choice if I want to follow in their footsteps
or I want to be the white sheep and I want be a white sheep, so there. Bobbi: That’s right. So there. Athena: Yes. So there. Bobbi, tonight’s episode has been quite
different than normal episodes and I would have to honestly say not that I’m trying to
compare but I feel like it’s one of the most active chats that we’ve had with our video
piece, honestly. I have had a really hard time keeping up. It’s been very, very, very, very active. So I feel a virtual summit coming on. I do. Bobbi: I love it when they interact with each
other. Athena: Me too and I feel like this video
is going to get like exponentially more views than our other ones like how when we did the
narcissistic abuse one which prompted us to listen to what everybody had to say and actually
post a virtual summit. I feel a virtual summit coming on the topic
of grooming. I’m just predicting it. Bobbi: Yeah. I think this would be an excellent topic to
do again in a broader format. It’s hard. This is a hard, hard, hard topic to talk about
but it’s so important because this is the genesis. This grooming process is the genesis of so
many of the mind messing things that we learned, so many of the negative, destructive, damaging
thoughts and beliefs that we have about ourselves begun in the grooming process. And we take them into adulthood and they undermine
healthy relationships. They undermine us having a healthy relationship
with ourselves. They undermine our capacity to trust. They undermine our capacity to rely on our
intuition. And they undermine our happiness and they
undermine our capacity to recover. And we’ve really as hard as it is. We have to do this piece. We just have to because when you don’t, you’re
basically sentencing yourself to a longer recovery. So it is hard and we will talk about that
in more depth because it is that important. Athena: Hey Bobbi. I have some people that are tweeting in and
they are not identifying with the whole grooming process and they were never told these things
and they don’t understand and what if grooming wasn’t a part of their abuse and they’re really
confused and they think they’re doing something wrong. And I’m assuring them that they’re doing everything
right. And that every situation is different but
is there a way that we can explain to people that we’re not groomed the way that most people
were groomed that their abuse still matters and it’s still valid and that they’re not
doing anything wrong or like for instance I have one gal that says “I’m so confused. I don’t I don’t identify with any of these”
and I have another gal that said “My abuser never said any of those things to me.” But I know they were, I mean I believe them. I know they were abused. I know them intimately. I know these gals. So how do we assure them that everything is
still valid and of course it happened? I mean the grooming is pretty textbook when
it comes to people who are predatory. But oftentimes for me, I’m just going to speak
for me personally Bobbi and I would like for you to speak to this for a moment. But for me personally, I did not remember
any of my grooming what so ever until just about two months ago. Literally, I think it was even a month a half,
a month and a half ago. I remembered none of the grooming, none of
it. I started having more memories of by abuse
but the grooming which is the good part, the fun part, the yey, this is happening, I’m
special, like I didn’t remember any of the parts. I didn’t have any of them and it doesn’t mean
that we’re doing anything wrong. It doesn’t mean I did anything wrong. It just means that my brain was protecting
me from those pieces and that I was having different memories. I was remembering vividly that the trafficking
to being lent out, the physical abuse, the verbal abuse, the emotional abuse, the not
always having a healthy food to eat like sneaking in the kitchen in the middle of night to grab
food because I was hungry and realizing I had a mouth full of bugs. I mean I was remembering stuffs like that. Those were the things I was remembering. I wasn’t remembering the good parts and the
brand new musical instrument and being picked up from school with the air conditioner on
in the car and get to go for a ride and go grab a bite. I wasn’t remembering any of those good parts,
the grooming. Sometimes it just might take a little bit
longer and maybe it just didn’t happen that way. I don’t know. But Bobbi I would love for you to speak to
that because I don’t want anyone to feel left out or that it’s different or whatever because
I know grooming is a part of every single form of abuse including domestic violence
and every flavor of abuse, there is grooming involved. Unless it’s an attack like in the middle
of the night, someone comes in and they attack you and then they leave like they didn’t groom
you, they attacked you and they left. It’s different but I don’t know. Could you speak to that? Bobbi: There are exceptions. This is a textbook example of how grooming
happens but there are always going to be exceptions and it usually is rooted within a very powerful
relationship within the child’s life. Even if they don’t go through these actual,
doesn’t seem like they’re going through these steps a, b, c, d, e and f. Childhood abuse rarely happens outside of
a relationship that is not significant to the child. That’s how grooming happens. You can’t groom a child who doesn’t care. So there are children who obviously are abused
and you and I have talked about this too before, Athena. We talked about the concept of what made the
abused that we endured as children even harder is that sometimes our abusers were kind to
us and sometimes they were mean. And so every time they were kind to us, we
thought “Oh this is it. This is the moment when they’re going to be
wonderful and they’re going to love me forever and ever and ever.” And so it just turned out to be another moment
where they could get you to “Come, come close, come give me, come close to me, I’ll
give you this thing that you want.” Wack across the face when you got close enough. Athena: Yeah. I think that that’s a really, really good
point Bobbi because grooming doesn’t always necessarily have to follow this little system. This is just a textbook example. But I remember specifically what Bobbi was
just saying and let’s keep in mind, Susan shiny blue dresses tweet. “Now, did the frog have someone whatever
go through the little list?” No but the frog was put in, he was put in
a nice little cozy pan of water that was perfect and that he would use to and he like in and
then it got a little bit warmer but that’s okay. It happens all the time when the water gets
warmer when the sun comes out. Oh more food. Awesome. Thanks! Next thing you know he’s boiled and dead. I mean, he didn’t even know he was being groomed. He was having someone to sleep to him and
bring him into the house and put him in a little thing of water because they want to
be sleep. Next thing you know they were killing him
when the water is boiling. So it can look a little different. It’s like looking at something that’s like
a gradient and has like a lighter portion of the color all the way down to like a darker
portion of the color. Bobbi: Right. It is a continuum. Athena: Yes. Like radium or a continuum and it can be on
one end of the spectrum to the other end of the spectrum. It can fall anywhere in between. What we share with you on this OnePage downloadable
resource is very widely known, very easily explainable textbook example of the topic
grooming. If you were to Google grooming, you would
find a lot of similar information. Bobbi: Right. Some children are just flat out abused and
they live a life of terror and there’s no good and there’s no grooming. It’s just that. Athena: I had a little bit of both. Bobbi: The parent is all they have and they
live a life of being abused and isolated, kept to themselves and there’s no grooming. It’s just brutality after brutality after
brutality after brutality. There is no media need. It’s just brutal child abuse. There’s no grooming. It’s just ugliness that a child can’t escape. But when the grooming process is involved,
that’s the mind game. There’s a mind games that come with it. Somebody asked in a tweet, “Where do abusers
learn this grooming process?” and I have a couple of answers to that. One is that they learn how to do it by watching
and perceiving and they don’t walk around with a list in their head of “Now I need
to do A and then I need to do B be and I need to do C.” It is something that they have
observed and they intuitively know that this is what this child needs. Others unfortunately were abused as children
and this is how they were groomed. And so this is what they grow up during with
their children. And that’s often what you’ll see an intergenerational
family abuse. They will do to their children what was done
to them. Now, again Athena and I have talked about
this before, there is no hard and fast information that talks about the percentage of children
who are abused who will turn around and abuse their children. The numbers are low but for those people that
that happens, many of them will learn that grooming process in their childhood. And it’s not that they can sit down and say
“Okay first I need to choose a victim and then I need to isolate them and then I need
to begin building trust and then.” No, but they will tell you “Oh I knew that
I had to find somebody and I knew that that child needed, A, B and C if I could provide
that.” I can’t honestly say that there’s a list that
most abusers probably go through. It’s something that they perceive what to
do or it’s something that they knew how to do from their own childhood. Athena: We’re going to need a virtual summit
on this topic Bobbi. There are so many, so many, many questions. There’s like well what if there wasn’t a
sexual element. Is it possible that they skip some of the
steps? I mean there’s just there’s so many different,
we need to do, we need to do a more in-depth of this particular topic in order to answer
every one’s question and then give each question the attention it deserves. Bobbi: We need to sit down and look because
it’s hard for both of us to watch the tweets and speak. So well through, we’ll go through the tweets
and come up with some more additional information either in a longer teaching lesson or something
to be able to answer the additional questions and expand on what we’ve talked about tonight. Athena: I have a request. I have a request. Since this topic has been such a hot topic
for each of you guys, you know what that means, that means that there are so many people out
there that are thinking the same thing, having the same excellent questions as you guys that
we don’t even have enough time to answer in this one episode, please share this. Please share this video in social media. Please hashtag it #grooming if you want to
or whatever you want to do. Please share this with someone that you think
that will benefit from it. And please hit, I know that for the first
twenty four hours we get a whole bunch of likes and we get a whole bunch of views but
then when Hariette goes in and does all of her behind the scenes, work on annotations,
whatever then it starts back over zero. So then all of the thumbs up and all of the
comments and all of the views and all of the everything, goes away. So whatever you feel that you want to do,
whether you want to share it, you want to like it, you want to comment or whatever you
want do, just note it. Tomorrow on that 22 or the 23 of September,
will be the final one that everyone can read the comments and everyone can sort of stay
in touch and respond to one another but we want to make sure that as many people as possible
get access to this information so they know that it wasn’t their fault, so that they know
that it was calculated, so that they know that that the string of things that happen
and the after effects of all of that of the damaging, after effects of grooming wasn’t
their fault and that there is hope. Bobbi, did we go over the ways? We did we went over the ways. We went over the ways that they were able
to heal from the grooming process community and make sure they have that one on one relationship
and making sure that they get educated. So anyway, I just want you guys to share this. Please. Please share with people. This is been so active. I know that it’s a hot topic and so many people
are probably struggling out there, wondering if it’s just them. So that’s all I want to say. Bobbi: That shame component is huge, that’s
why we talk about these things because when we talk about them, then other people know
they are not alone, that they’ve experienced the same thing at some point in their lives. Let’s put up our contact information really
quick. I know we’re at a time. I’m going to transfer from those graphics. I had them. Athena: Oh no, it’s ok. I know because your computer crashed so hello. You have to re-find everything. I just want to thank each and every one of
you for tuning in live. If this is your first time viewing any of
our videos, we do this live every single Monday 6PM Pacific, 9 PM Eastern. We are here. We’re doing a live Q and A on the topic of
the week and this week’s topic is the grooming process. So if you have a Roku device, you can find
us by looking for Trauma Recovery University. If you prefer YouTube you can go to You can find Bobbi and myself, if you’re listening
on a podcast platform. We’re not launched properly and everything
on to a podcast platform, but hopefully we will be by the time you get this. And if you get this and you’re listening to
it or seeing it on iTunes or Stitcher, could you please leave us a rating. Even if it is the couple of words or whatever,
could you please rate us on iTunes and just share if any of this has helped you. Please let us know if it helped you. If you have suggestions for us, let us know. Bobbi: Awesome. My video it’s kind of cutting in the minute
so I’m not sure exactly what you just shared. Did you share the contact information or should
I pull it up? Athena: Pull it up. I was just saying how amazing you are. Pull it up. Bobbi: Yes put it out? Athena: Yes. Bobbi: Isn’t that funny? Athena’s all the way in Maui and I’m here
in Dallas and now here she is in the same time zone as me and the internet connection
is just rotten. There’s just wrong, just wrong, wrong, wrong. Let’s do this. Here we go. Here are the best ways to connect with us. And I’m going to come over here and do my
present to everyone. You may email us twenty four seven three sixty
five, [email protected], [email protected] or both of us together at [email protected] We do ask that you try to be patient. The longer that we do this the more email
we got and sometimes it is a backlog for us to get through and we simply ask for your
patience as we work to get back in touch with you. You may also tweet us. I am now @BobbiLParish. Athena is @AthenaMoberg and then we have Trauma
Recovery University which is @TraumaRecoveryU. Athena, did your Facebook page change? Athena: I don’t know. I think you can find me at Athena Moberg Speaking
like in the search bar but I don’t know in the actually
change or not. I don’t think that it let me. Bobbi: Ok. How rude. Athena: I know. Bobbi: They are not allowing us to continue
our career growth and development. My professional page is Bobbi Parish Coaching
and Consulting. Athena’s personal page is Dawn Athena Moberg,
mine is Bobbi Parish and then we have Trauma Recovery University. We also have a support page now for survivors
of narcissistic abuse whether your parent was narcissistic or you went through an adult
relationship with a narcissist and that is, is that right Athena? Athena: Yes. Bobbi: And we have private secret Facebook
groups for not only survivors of childhood abuse but also for survivors of narcissistic
abuse, whether you suffered as a child or as an adult. So please, if you would like to join one of
them, please friend us on Facebook and then send us a message saying you would like to
join one of our private secret Facebook groups. That is the absolute easiest way. If you send us an email saying “I’d like
to join one of the groups”, we’ll just say back to you “could you please friend me
and then I can add you” because when they’re private secret groups, we only have a couple
ways to add people and the best way, the easiest thing for us and we just beg you to let us
do the easiest thing is for you to send us a friend request. And then follow up with a message. Athena; I think I had some people. Julian, did you did you invite Julian into
the group yet? Oh gosh, please say you do. Bobbi: I don’t know. Athena: I think she sent me a private message
asking to be invited into the group and I got to the airport or something and I didn’t
do it and I just realized that right now. Julian I’m so sorry. Oh boy. Bobbi: That’s okay. Athena: Have patience with us folks. We’re doing the best we can. Bobbi: YouTube, we are always on YouTube 24
hours a day. And there’s probably a good 60 hours worth
of content there so have at it, YouTube Trauma Recovery University, Roku TV, Trauma Recovery
University and Google plus Trauma Recovery University. You can always watch our episodes every Monday
night at, which one is it Athena? Athena: Forward slash. Bobbi: /TraumaRecoveryU. And we have three twitter chats a week. You can join us at any of them. The first one is Monday night, I’m sorry Monday
during the day well it’s during the day for those of us who are in the United States,
starts at 10Am pacific time and it is at 6PM in the UK. And then this is our second twitter chat of
the week, twitter chat with the live video broadcast. That’s at 6PM on Monday evenings Pacific
Time and that is at 2AM for all of the stalwart UK fans who are watching, 2AM Tuesday and
then Tuesday night is the original sex abuse chat and that started with myself and Rachel
Thompson back in January 2014. And that is Tuesday nights at 6PM Pacific
time, 9PM Eastern and 2:00 in the morning Wednesday again for all of you in the UK. So connect with us. We would very much love to get you involved
in the community that we’ve got going on because it is awesome. I have been a survivor myself for 40 some
years now and I’ve been a therapist for 18 years and this community that we have right
now is hands down the best community that I’ve ever worked with. They are good, good people and you want to
be a part of it. You don’t want to miss out because they will
love you and support you and encourage you in ways that you have never experienced before. Athena: It’s very, very true and it doesn’t
matter how old you are. I just wanted to, I shared this at the event
that I spoke at the weekend and I want to share it with you. One of the quotes that I got I had, I think
it was from a woman who was like, I think she was 70. Bobbi, I think you had about 70 years old. Anyhow, she said that she feels like she belongs
to somewhere for the very first time in her entire life. She waited her entire life to feel the love
and acceptance and care and healing that she received from being in a secret, safe community
with other people that have survived what she has survived. So please, please, please, if you are not
plugged in to one of our safe support groups that are pure lead and that are life changing,
that’s the word that was used by the way, life changing, then please reach out to us. Again like Bobbi said, friend us on Facebook. I’m and Bobbi
is Bobbi Parish? Wasn’t sure if there was an L.
Bobbi: I don’t think there’s an L. Athena: I thought I saw a dot there one time,
Bobbi.Parish. It’s weird. But anyways, just please friend us. We’d love to welcome you in. There’s a little bit of a vetting process
just to maintain the integrity and the safety of our entire group. We do ask you some questions, tell us about
abuse your abuse, etc, etc. And we can we just get you know you a little
bit. So please, please, please reach out. Thank you for the support of this broadcast. Please continue to like it, share it, talk
about it, leave comments, any support that you can possibly give us really does help
us. It helps us to continue to have the privilege
of providing free resources and affordable resources as well. So we love you guys. You are the reason that we do this every single
week. You are the reason that we show and we listen
to every bit of information and advice that you give us on what you are websites look
like, the content you want us to share about and teach on, everything, we listens to you. So thank you, thank you for being the most
important part of this community. And just sincerely from myself, Athena Moberg
and from my amazing partner Bobbi Parish, we appreciate your support of Trauma Recovery
University where we always do our best to provide you with everything you need for healthy
informed trauma recovery. Aloha from Montgemery, Alabama. Love you Bobbi.