Hello and welcome to Pacifist%. The show with the highest quality material for anyone with a fetish for kindness, love, and compassion. We now move on to the mission “By The Book”, where my fun helicopter will be despawned so that I am forced to use the blue car some developer picked out for me. I’m of course not complaining. I wouldn’t want to potentially hurt their feelings by referencing something as silly as player choice. – Mikey. – Trevor. – Michael… – Boom!
– Oh, ladies! Michael and Trevor go inside to find Steve, the middle-aged, arrogant, corrupt, manipulative authority figure conversing with Devon Weston, the other middle-aged, arrogant, corrupt, manipulative authority figure It kind of feels like one writer copied another but changed the character trait, “public sector asshole”, to “private sector asshole”. Even their laugh is the same. (Devin and Steve laugh) – What are we doing here, huh? – This. -This is Michael, and this… This is that fruitcake. Basically, this guy installed audio equipment for a guy potentially linked to terrorism. We are here to help him “remember” what we need to know to find the guy – The house in Rockford hills. That’s all I know. – That’s it?
– That’s it. – It’s Caesar’s place, around the corner from your house. – This place? Davey, they’ve been shooting The Real Cunts of Suburbia here the last few weeks. No way that’s your guy. – Shit… you are kidding me. – We need a new address from Mr. K. Choose your instrument and go to work on it. – Where do we start, eh buddy? Now obviously, as a pacifist, I didn’t want to hurt the guy. But I came to suspect he had some sort of torture fetish. I waited for five in-game hours, and he still didn’t give up any information. I therefore had no choice but to hit him with the wrench, and suddenly he had information. Almost like he was playing hard to get. – Hey, hey! Please, please! Before we continue it is necessary to inform you that this scene was censored in Japan, and therefore the TOS stipulates that Japanese people must not view it. If you are fully Japanese, you must close your eyes entirely. Half Japanese, you must close them halfway a quarter Japanese a quarter and so on. I just don’t want anyone getting into trouble. – He reminds me of one of those men who can’t get erections. (Mr. K groans) After so many hours our friend is willing to give us a new location, which allows Dave and Michel to continue their little adventure. – Chumash. You’re driving. Remember, terror does not take coffee breaks. – What a dick.
(Dave laughs) Yeah, so my guess is that the table normally used in this cutscene is just the normal table that is outside this coffee place during the day. My waiting until night time therefore meant that they packed away the table, leaving this cutscene kind of off. (ding) Michael and Dave find a spot to be alone together, away from prying eyes, when they realized that they need to know what a person looks like before they can kill them. You know, a minor detail. – Yeah, we need a description of the target. -Yeah, I’ll take care of it. – Please.
– Bullseye! (squeak)
(Mr. K groaning in pain) – Average build, average height, middle age…
– (snapping fingers) C’mon. Yeah, yeah, it sounds like you’re stalling. This better be enough. An answer of “yeah, the dude looks average” really screams that this guy wants to be hit more by that wrench. – You’re my eyes Townley. What do you see? So Michael and Dave are still together in the bushes, and I don’t want to shoot anyone, so I simply waits to see if circumstances change. A full 24 hours in-game pass and not only is the party’s still going on, but the guy I need to kill has been snorting coke non-stop the entire time. Frankly I’m not sure I have enough bullets to kill him, even if I wanted to. Sadly, I had no choice but to switch back to Trevor as nothing changed. -That ain’t gonna cut it my friend, It’s okay, I’ve got some new friends here now. – Describe what Marsellus Wallace looks like! – Huh? – Does he look like a bitch? – Knee shot! (squeak)
(Mr. K yells in pain) – Does he look like a bitch? – No no no, he’s got beard! He’s got bushy beard! – Aha, I think you’re making this up. – No, no, I’m not. No.
– Huh? Obviously this wasn’t enough information and suddenly for reasons unexplained our friend’s heart stops. I of course can’t stand to see someone fallen on hard times. So I help him back to life. – It’s coming!
(Mr. K gasps) – I was going to die… He chain smokes, and he’s left-handed. – Ah, okay.
(Mr. K whimpers) I was panicking at this point. I might have no choice but to do the unthinkable: killing someone in a video game. The media tells me this is the first step to becoming a serial killer in real life. So I decided to shoot around my target first just to see if there’s any chance of getting out of this. (gunshot)
– [Dave] You missed, he’s on the move. We need to take him here. Desperate, just like in the mission “Three’s Company”, I decide to waste all my ammo. But amazingly in this mission I have unlimited ammo Makes me wonder why this wasn’t applied in Three’s Company, but oh well, whatever the case may be I was clearly at a dead-end so I had to shoot the target. – Davey I got someone. – Woo! That is a wrap my friends! (clapping) Excellent work, the pair of you! Now clearly Mr. K had a rough day, so I decided to take him to the hospital. But unfortunately, this game is set in America so he couldn’t afford the payments. The next best thing was to take him to the airport so could fly to a country with affordable health care. – Run. You’re free. -Really?
– Yeah, really now, let’s go, fuck off. Come on. (grunts) Honestly it brings a tear to my eye This is what video games should be about: helping those who somehow find themselves with multiple wrench-related injuries. And so ends both by the book end my chances of not becoming a serial killer. I had a good run. Next up is the Merryweather heist, which if you recall we already have all the gear for. Gear which we got before asking anyone if they would actually help us with the heist. You know, a minor detail. – Oh hey.
– Hey there, uh, you and him gives me the fucking creeps. Hey, I called you boys here to discuss this job that I’ve been planning. – The fuck are you talking about now? – Now, hmm… let’s get going, all right? Trevor only explains the heist for about 20 seconds. He doesn’t even tell Michael or Franklin what they’re meant to be doing. And yet, everyone suits up and sets off anyway, because planning and practicing for a highest is not what criminal masterminds tend to do, I guess. I personally ran into a bit of a hiccup when I left the house, because apparently my truck from many missions ago didn’t get moved. (laughter) I’m actually stuck! (laughter) I- I’m legit- Oh. (laughter) – You had the flying lessons right? – Ah, flying lessons. – Ugh, you total idiot! – What kind of device? – What kind doesn’t matter. How much we’ll be paid for it does matter – Can’t we rethink? I mean how deep are you into it? – Consider Michael here puts on a wet suit, gets in a car. He’s not sure about doing it though. Drives hours across the country. Maybe we should rethink. Pilots a stolen helicopter and picks up a stolen minisub. – I’m outta the game, man. What am I doing? – Oh really? You don’t take scores? – No, not anymore. There is such a thing as denial but there’s also such a thing as being really fucking stupid. – Trackify app ain’t active yet fellas. The app is live! I’m reading the signal. Oh, fuck you. They don’t even know what the weapon is and you’re telling me a random app can track it in the deepest depths of the fucking ocean? This isn’t some special thing made by Lester. This is a random app mentioned in radio commercials. Did they even test it? Because it seems like they just hopped into the ocean, opened their 2013 smartphone and went, “Oh, that’s lucky, it can find some random unknown military weapon.” Get the fuck out of here – Got it. I’m surfacing. You got me. Now come on, let’s get back to the airfield. Cause I found this thing using an app on my phone, which means the private army guarding it can find it pretty easy too. Alas, it seems the secret military weapons finding app was a hit in 2013 because the military shows up quickly. The first boats and the next boats and chopper simply despawned when I flew far enough away I reached the hangar and I thought, “well that was easy”, but sadly… Oh. Oh… Well that’s disappointing. it turns out that you have to deal with all the military before you can finish, and while Franklin will Initially shoot at anything that moves, when the final two helicopters with rockets come out he refuses to shoot anything. I couldn’t even attempt to fly high enough to avoid the triggers to spawn the enemies because of the weight of the weapon, and going low to the ground just had them spawn like normal. So I thought maybe I could just land and get out of the helicopter and see what happens, but it was harder than you might imagine. Switching between the characters or attempting to outrun the helicopters changed nothing So I had the genius yet amazingly time-consuming idea to fly halfway around the map and approach the hangar from the city, obviously therefore avoiding the spawn triggers. – Nani?! – Uh oh, Merryweather boats coming right at us. Well, that was a huge fucking waste of time. I live by the philosophy that just because an idea was stupid once doesn’t mean it will be stupid a second time. So I decided to try a new route over the mountains which were low enough that I could actually get over them. – And here they are, Merryweather boats coming at speed. That feeling when your military budget gets cut and you have to repurpose boats as land vehicles. As I was out of ideas, I decided to go hang around some wind turbines and hoped for an accident to befall my enemies. However, while waiting I realized I had not experimented with moving Franklin around the helicopter, so I gave that a go as well. How do I move with Franklin? What? – Ironic. Respawning after that rude accident I begun trialing moving Franklin around again. Okay. Okay… It was that easy? Fuck, dude. In my defense this version of the heist isn’t done during the speedrun, so I was completely clueless going in. I wasted so much time on something that was so easily solveable, as Franklin would make swift work of those helicopters if you just moved him. – Wooo! Yeah!
– Do you know what you’ve done? The wire is going fucking crazy! I thought you would be smarter than this. – What’d I do? – Stealing a superweapon – Damn T, that some nuke or some shit? – Yeah, I did. Okay? – Will you tell me a story? About that boy, Trisha? – Ah, yeah. He could fly planes, this kid. So he signed up to the Air Force to fly all day long and bomb villages and maybe, just maybe, drop the nuke. (explosion) – Everyone, hang on! (ding) God damn, that would have been a sick secret ending, but sadly this mission just ends with them giving back the weapon. So the entire setup and heist itself were completely pointless. Except that we didn’t actually kill anyone. So it’s a perfect mission for this series, its one redeeming quality. And so ends this episode. Thanks for watching. If you enjoyed it, liking and commenting really does help me out with the algorithm and I promise I will try and do better with getting these out faster. Hope you’re all doing well.