Being A Passive Dater | ZULA ChickChats | EP 78


You sure or not? Legit, legit. You and your ex don’t even let- to keep photo with ex. You don’t lead to another video can or not? Hi, my name is Bolin. Hi, I’m Peps. Hi, I’m Chris. Hi, I’m Leah. And this is ZULA ChickChats! Hi guys, welcome to another episode of ChickChats, and today’s episode we’re going to be
talking about dating. But specifically, passive daters, okay. So, have you heard of this term before? I hadn’t heard of this term
until I’m [cast] for this shoot. Passive is you wait lah. – Yeah, you wait.
– Yeah, correct. – You wait?
– Yes. So, you admit you wait one ah? Yeah. I don’t wait one. You attack ah? I attack one. Okay, I think my definition
of a passive dater is- someone who doesn’t show initiative, doesn’t show any form of reciprocation. And yeah, we wait ah. Okay. Like, we’re literally, like, there. Like, oh! Waiting. But your wait is, like, you don’t hint meh? We will never be the first one to hint. I wait for people to attack me. Then you’re like “Ah”,
then you attack back? You don’t attack back? You just let them combo “bam, bam, bam” like that? I think that girls are more passive daters. Okay. Because guys generally take initiative a lot
more when it comes to dating. ‘Cause of, like, social scripts
and social norms. Which is why in relationships,
gay men have the most sex, straight couples got the moderate sex
and lesbians have the least sex. Whether that is true or not? It’s true, it’s true. Okay, do you have stats? It’s from school. Oh! It’s from school? Oh my god, you have done your research eh. I’m a sociology graduate. Thank you for your sociology
take on this issue, Chris. But I mean, I guess from the definition, we can all agree that a passive dater is someone
who lacks the initiative to show interest, let’s say, when they’re dating lah, right? Okay, would you call yourself
a passive dater then? Yes. I see, I “woo”. You attack? I attack. I no chance one. Yeah, like, the machine gun ready, like- What about you? I would think that I’m not very passive. And I mean, if you watch very long
ago episodes of ChickChats, I was a strong advocate of
females making the first move. I’ve gone out with a couple of
people from, like, Tinder. Even if you have, like, a very,
like, nice, happy time right, when we have to start conversations
again, I find it very tiring. It’s just a lot of emotional energy
and I don’t really have that, especially after, like, a long day at work. Few years back ah, I was in this grey area-ish with
this guy for about 5 months. He was doing a lot of things that
I didn’t really understand. Stuff, like, oh, he will call me
at night, that kind of shit. And then, like, when we go out,
he won’t ask other people, and then, like, he will also, like, sometimes
be, like, touchy lah, like, touchy. But then, like, to me it’s, like,
“What’s this guy doing ah?” You know what I mean? He confirm interested! Exactly! No, but my stance right, is ‘cause, like, if he’s so interested, why he never say? When a guy attack ah, they don’t just, “Eh! Oi!” They don’t do that what. You understand or not? Attack ah got, like, slowly, like, 10%, like, eh try. Bam. Bam. Then slowly, slowly. Bam, bam, bam. Then say what. He only “bam bam” then you,
“Eh, why you never say?” He never- eh! It was 5 months eh. 5 months only. People date- people
chase, 1 year, 2 year, kind know? We interested in you, but we also have to confirm
whether we can match or not. Maybe inside you got reaction,
but you don’t want to show, know? Ah, correct. Then, too bad, know? We zao (run), know. I think that’s what happened to that guy lah. Because you’re like, “Huh? You attacked me ah?” Then, he’s like, “Wah lau eh.” No, no, I’m scared. I scared what if I’m wrong,
you know what I mean? What if like- He call you at night, he confirm like already. No! But you don’t know that. What if it’s, like- You confirm- oh my god. We good friend-
what if we good friend?! He call you at night, he sure like you. No, he call her at night [is] one thing right? Then after he put down the phone, he
offered to call her back in, like, 2 hours, ‘cause she need to wake
up at 5am for a shoot. Some guys ah, they’re,
like, they do this ah, if they regret ah, they’ll
be like, “No ah. I’m just trying to be a very, very good friend.” Yeah, you see! That’s what I am scared of. What do you lose if that happens? I fear rejection. So, I guess this leads on to the next question. It’s, like, why do people act, like, so
passively lah when they date, you know what I mean? So, what is your reason behind it? Wah, a lot sia. For me, it’s ‘cause I’m scared of rejection. I have low self-esteem, very, very low. So, like, then I don’t like to
think that people like me. You don’t like? What do you mean you don’t like? Like, I feel uncomfortable if, like,
“Oh my god, does he like me?” If I articulate it out of my own mouth, I’m, like, “Eee, like, you think
you who sia? People like you.” You know what I mean or not? I understand. Yeah, and then also, like,
for protection purposes lor. Like, to protect my own emotions. Someone called her, “Peps is
the queen of the grey area,” I was, like, “I agree.” The master. Oh. Master of grey area. Why you so proud sia? This one is not a compliment, you know? I know. “Eh, master ah?” It’s just damn funny. But I think personally, right, like, another reason
why girls are really more passive right, is also because they overthink a lot. It’s, like, they will think of all the different
consequences that will happen if, like, they show some form of reciprocation. Then, they will panic at,
like, all the negative signs, and then, they will, like, come to a conclusion that, “Okay. It’s better that I just don’t say anything.” ‘Cause they don’t want to have
that sense of, like, embarrassment, or, like, outcome happen to them lah. Sure, like, yes, there may be
all these negative outcomes, but what is the worst that
can come out of it? Okay, if the person you are dating right,
or are interested in, is a nice guy, they will reject you if they’re not
interested, but they will not, like, embarrass you or, like, make fun of
you in public, you know what I mean? That’s true. I think it’s a bit of a misunderstanding
when people think that, all guys like the chase. I do not like the chase. I like it if, like, we have a mutual understanding. It’s too much emotional
energy lah to go and, like, keep finding out if a person
is interested in you, especially if the person
doesn’t really respond. So, guys who are like Chris, it’s okay, there’s a girl there for you. Okay moving forward from that, why are people
then so triggered by passive daters? I naturally have a lot of guy friends. So, like, a lot of people that
know about this thing, they will think that, like, “No, Peps. You’re treating him like one of the bros.” So, they’re triggered by that because- they see that your behaviour is the same
as how you treat every other person. And then ‘cause I’m, like, a one-on-one
person if I have dinners- so I will go one-on-one with
a lot of my guy friends. Then they will think that, “Oh. He’s one of the bros.” I see. He will think that he’s one of the bros. Because you’re not
treat- oh my god! Then you must treat them
spec- like, more special. – Exclusive.
– Exclusive. That’s why I let him go and touch me what. He may think that you let
other guys do that also! If you’re, like, so close
with your guy friends. No, but I think if you weren’t,
like, so close with, like, let’s say, your guy friends or everything, right, he
was the only guy you hang out with, like, one-on-one right- He will know lah. I think he will know. Yeah, because I feel, like,
the way you mention, your signs, like, you let him, like, be
physically affectionate with you, right? Like, if I’m the guy, I’ll be, like, “Yeah,
okay, this is, like, quite a good sign.” But now I understand why he was confused. As a girl, like, even if I’m, like, trying
to hit on a guy or whatever right, I see how he treats, like,
his girl friends also. No, I feel like, also social media
is also another thing. Because I like to take photos right? Yes. So I take both girl and guy. So, like, they will think that, “Oh my god,
she has so many guys in her feed. Ahhhh… Like, where do I stand?” You know what I mean? Why people are so angry at
passive daters is because, society has a bias that says that,
“If you’re single, it is your fault. And it is better to be attached than single.” That is why people are angry at passive daters. So if you are single, it means that
you’re not going out enough, it means that you’re not, like,
allowing people into your life, and, I mean to a very large extent, it is true. But yeah, there are other reasons I guess. I feel that it can be one of the reasons. But yeah, of course there are
a lot of other reasons also. In Taiwan, right, they will have guys
that treat a lot of girls the same. They call them “centralised air con”. Okay, “centralised air con” means ah-
in Chinese, then it’s direct translation ah, so, everyone gets a fair share of the air con. Let’s say if suddenly
a guy enters your life, treats you damn well, then suddenly
you found out that actually, he’s just a very, very nice guy that
treats all the other girls like that. Then, it’s damn, damn, damn turnoff. For the girls. Yes, it is. Then, they just zao (run) already lor. Oh shit. So, it’s a damn turnoff for guys also? Yeah, of course. It’s the same way. So, you understand not? What you’re doing, that’s why, you know, all the guys- they attack halfway
then, they bye-bye, know. They want to feel special. That’s why they’re triggered. ‘Cause they don’t feel special in your life. Okay, I’m sorry. Okay, you must make a guy feel special, okay? So wait, so, what happened
to the guy in the end? Okay, in the end, I found out that he
started dating some other person. And then, how did you feel? Of course, I felt damn shit lah. ‘Cause, like, I didn’t even
find out from him, ‘cause he didn’t want to tell me. But then, like, I could sense that
there’s, like, a difference. And, like, there’s a change in behaviour, and, in texting habits also, there’s a change. Then, like, I wanted to dig out lah. But then, he just didn’t want to tell me. Then, I have to ask another person to, like,
“Eh, can you just help me ask, like, if he’s, like, attached or something. Or if he is dating someone.” Then, yeah lor, true enough,
he started dating some other person. And then, I was significantly
sad for a period of time. ‘Cause in my mind I’m, like, “Wah lau. I thought this was
like… could it be nothing? Like, this 5 months is nothing meh?” So this is the outcome of what might
happen if you’re too passive lah right? I feel that you have your reason to be
sad, but you must understand that, that guy ah, he’s also sad, know? Because he tried attacking you,
tried to chase after you already, but to him, if he [doesn’t] feel any exclusiveness, he wouldn’t say anything, then he will
quietly go and date other person. So, you quietly quit the game. He also cannot tell her also right? Because it will make him
admit that he liked you, if he tells you that he is dating some
other girl, you know what I mean? Yeah, no, but then, after that, we kind of
talked about it in a third person point of view. Okay. So, we never say names, but we
know that we’re talking about it. – Okay, so what was the convo?
So basically, he didn’t know that I liked him at all. Like, at all. Exactly what happens when you too passive. Yeah lor, that’s me lah. So, I mean, based on your story,
let’s give some advice- to people who are dealing with passive daters, or, are a passive dater themself
and want to, like, you know, change their habits, want
to up their game a bit. You scared rejection, right? That’s why passive, right? What makes you think that someone’s
attacking, don’t scared rejection? I want to chase you, I also will scared [you] reject. What- then I chase you, I spend so much effort, then you reject me, then for what I do all this, right? That’s why I tell you, the fear of rejection
is all the same, is all in everyone. You must understand that today, you want
to be with someone that you’re interested in. There’s definitely a chance of rejection, no matter you’re passive or non-passive. It’s just whether you want
to take that chance or not. – Correct, so-
– So, if you choose not to take that chance ah, then don’t have ah. So, all the attackers are the
ones who take the chance. Yes. Yeah. So it’s, like, for me,
it’s, like, I okay one. Yeah, I also- of course I
don’t want to be rejected ah, but I’m okay with the rejection in the end. ‘Cause at least for me, it’s, like, I know the outcome, and, I know this is, like, 100%
it’s a no or 100% it’s a yes. What I understood from
what Bolin said is that, for active and passive daters right, we both feel the passion very strongly in our hearts. But the difference is, whether we show it or not. And, the thing about life in general is that, miscommunication happens a lot, and, it is very simple to get rid of the miscommunication,
you guys just have to talk to each other. And that will really help a lot. I guess everybody has to adapt their mentality
and their mindset to this situation, you know, to, like, overcome that kind of, like, uncertainty. You know what I mean? Everybody is uncertain about these
relationship issues what right? Sometimes, it’s worth that little
bit of face to take the chance. So today we talked about passive dating, and the conclusion is that
everyone is afraid of rejection. But it’s up to you whether you’re
willing to take the chance or not. So if you guys like this video,
remember to leave a comment down below, and let us know what else to talk about next time. And don’t forget to like, share and subscribe. Bye!