Aziz Ansari Stand-Up Monologue – SNL


LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, AZIZ
ANSARI! ♪♪♪
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>>THANK YOU!
THANK YOU VERY MUCH. WOW.
I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS. I’M HERE HOSTING “SATURDAY NIGHT
LIVE.” [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>YEAH! THE DAY AFTER TRUMP’S
INAUGURATION. MM.
PRETTY COOL TO KNOW THOUGH HE’S PROBABLY AT HOME RIGHT NOW
WATCHING A BROWN GUY MAKE FUN OF HIM THOUGH, RIGHT?
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] CRAZY COUPLE OF DAYS, MAN.
YESTERDAY, TRUMP WAS INAUGURATED.
TODAY AN ENTIRE GENDER PROTESTED AGAINST HIM.
WOW. EVERYONE SHOULD SUPPORT THAT.
IT SHOWS THAT PEOPLE CARE. VERY COOL.
I DO THINK WE SHOULD BE CAREFUL THOUGH.
YOU CAN’T DEMONIZE EVERYONE THAT VOTED FOR TRUMP.
SOME PEOPLE SAY EVERYBODY WHO VOTED FOR TRUMP IS A DUMB
RACIST. WE ARE TALKING ABOUT 63 MILLION
PEOPLE. DON’T JUDGE THEM.
SOME PEOPLE HAVE DIFFERENT POLITICAL PRIORITIES.
SOME PEOPLE VOTED FOR HIM WITH RESERVATIONS.
I’M SURE A LOT OF PEOPLE VOTED FOR TRUMP THE SAME WAY A LOT OF
PEOPLE LISTEN TO CHRIS BROWN. HEY, MAN.
I’M JUST HERE FOR THE TUNES. I DON’T KNOW ABOUT THAT OTHER
STUFF. I JUST LIKE THE DANCING AND THE
MUSIC. I DON’T CONDONE THE
EXTRACURRICULARS. IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT, DONALD
TRUMP IS BASICALLY THE CHRIS BROWN OF POLITICS.
AND MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN IS HIS “THESE HOS AIN’T LOYAL.”
SO, LOOK. WE ARE DIVIDED.
IT’S OKAY. WE HAVE ALWAYS BEEN DIVIDED BY
SOME OF THE BIG POLITICAL ISSUES.
IT’S FINE. AS LONG AS WE TREAT EACH OTHER
WITH WITH RESPECT AND REMEMBER WE ARE ALL AMERICANS IT WILL BE
FINE. BUT THE PROBLEM IS —
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] — THE PROBLEM IS THERE IS A NEW
GROUP. I’M TALKING ABOUT A TINY SLICE
OF PEOPLE THAT HAVE GOTTEN WAY TOO FIRED UP ABOUT THE TRUMP
THING FOR THE WRONG REASONS. THESE PEOPLE THAT AS SOON AS
TRUMP WON THEY’RE LIKE, WE DON’T HAVE TO PRETEND LIKE WE’RE NOT
RACIST ANYMORE! WE DON’T HAVE TO PRETEND
ANYMORE! WE CAN BE RACIST AGAIN, WHOO!
WHOA, WHOA. NO, NO.
IF YOU’RE ONE OF THESE PEOPLE, PLEASE GO BACK TO PRETENDING.
YOU’VE GOT TO GO BACK TO PRETENDING.
I’M SORRY WE NEVER THANKED YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE.
WE NEVER REALIZED HOW MUCH EFFORT YOU WERE PUTTING INTO THE
PRETENDING. YOU’VE GOT TO GO BACK TO
PRETENDING. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>HEY. I KNOW IT’S BEEN A ROUGH COUPLE
OF YEARS. OBAMA, “EMPIRE,” “HAMILTON.”
IT’S BEEN HIT AFTER HIT AFTER HIT.
“STAR WARS” MOVIES WHERE THE ONLY WHITE CHARACTERS ARE STORM
TROOPERS. I GET IT.
IT’S BEEN ROUGH. YOU’VE GOT TO STOP.
YOU KNOW WHO I’M TALKING ABOUT. THIS NEW LOWER CASE KKK
MOVEMENT. THIS CASUAL WHITE SUPREMACY.
OH, LET ME PUT MY FOOT IN THE POOL AND SEE HOW COLD THIS WATER
REALLY IS. NO.
NO. I’M TALKING ABOUT PEOPLE RUNNING
AROUND SAYING STUFF LIKE TRUMP WON, GO BACK TO AFRICA.
TRUMP WON, GO BACK TO MEXICO. THEY SEE ME.
TRUMP WON, GO BACK TO — WHERE YOU CAME FROM.
YEAH. THEY’RE NOT USUALLY GEOGRAPHY
BUFFS. [ APPLAUSE ]
IS THAT THE PLAN, BY THE WAY? WE’RE ALL GOING TO MOVE?
ALL THE MINORITIES? 40-SOME PERCENT OF THE COUNTRY?
EVERY MINORITY’S GOING TO MOVE? BEYONCE’S GOING TO MOVE?
BEYONCE AIN’T MOVING. I AIN’T MOVING.
OKAY? MY PARENTS —
[ APPLAUSE ] MY PARENTS MOVED FROM INDIA TO
SOUTH CAROLINA IN THE EARLY ’80s.
THEY DIDN’T MOVE UNTIL NINE YEARS AGO.
DO YOU KNOW WHERE THEY MOVED? NORTH CAROLINA.
THEY LOVE IT HERE. THEY’RE NOT LEAVING.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] LOWER CASE KKK, MAN.
THEY’RE OUT THERE. HATE CRIMES AND STUFF ARE ON THE
RISE. AS FAR AS PEOPLE MY OWN SKIN
TONE, BROWN PEOPLE. I THINK PART OF THE PROBLEM IS A
LOT OF PEOPLE HAVEN’T INTERACTED WITH ANY BROWN PEOPLE IN NORMAL
LIFE. THE ONLY THING THEY SEE IS
MONSTERS ON THE NEWS WHO ARE A DROP IN THE OCEAN.
ON THE NEWS REPORTS THEY SHOULD DO A SECOND REPORT ABOUT OTHER
BROWN PEOPLE UP TO NORMAL STUFF TO CALM THOSE PEOPLE DOWN.
SO LIKE THE SUSPECT IS CONSIDERED ARMED AND DANGEROUS.
NOT ARMED AND DANGEROUS THESE FOUR MUSLIM PEOPLE EATING NACHOS
IN CHICAGO. LET’S GO TO FOOTAGE OF THEM.
LOOKS LIKE NASIR SPENT CHEESE ON HIS KHAKIS.
GOT OVERAMBITIOUS WITH THE LAST DIP.
WE HAVE ALL BEEN THERE. A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE ISLAMAPHOBIC
WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. SAME GOD.
PEOPLE ARE SCARED. WHY?
ANY TIME THEY WATCH MOVIES, TV SHOWS AND A CHARACTER IS ARABIC,
PRAYING OR SOMETHING THAT SCARY MUSIC FROM “HOMELAND” IS
UNDERNEATH IT. IT’S TERRIFYING.
♪♪♪ PEOPLE ARE LIKE, AAH!
WHAT ARE THEY SAYING? GOD IS GOOD, NORMAL RELIGIOUS
STUFF. IT’S OKAY.
YOU WANT TO END ISLAMAPHOBIA. CHANGE THE MUSIC.
IF THE MUSIC WAS LIKE — [ SINGING THEME TO
“BENNY HILL” ] PEOPLE ARE LIKE, MAN IT’S ALL
ONE WHIMSICAL RELIGION, ISN’T IT?
I THINK TRUMP SHOULD MAKE A REAL SPEECH DENOUNCING THE LOWER CASE
KKK. DON’T TWEET ABOUT ME BEING LAME
OR THE SHOW. A REAL SPEECH.
THESE PEOPLE ARE OUT THERE AND IT ISPISSING PEOPLE OFF.
OTHER PRESIDENTS HAVE DONE THIS AND IT’S HELPED.
AFTER 9/11 GEORGE BUSH MADE A SPEECH AND HATE CRIMES WENT
DOWN. HE SAID ISLAM IS PEACE.
THE PERPETRATORS OF THESE ATTACKS DON’T REPRESENT ISLAM.
THEY REPRESENT WAR AND VIOLENCE. OUR ENEMIES ARE NOT OUR MUSLIM
BROTHERS AND SISTERS. OUR ENEMIES ARE NETWORKS OF
RADICAL TERRORISTS. EVERYONE APPLAUDED.
REPUBLICANS, DEMOCRATS, DIDN’T MATTER.
IT WAS NOT ABOUT POLITICS. IT WAS ABOUT BASIC HUMAN
DECENCY AND REMEMBERING WHY THE COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED IN THE FIRST
PLACE. I’M SITTING HERE WATCHING THE
SPEECH AND I WAS LIKE, WHAT THE HELL HAS HAPPENED?
I’M SITTING HERE WISTFULLY WATCHING OLD GEORGE W. BUSH
SPEECHES? WHAT A LEADER HE WAS!
16 YEARS AGO I WAS CERTAIN THIS DUDE WAS A DILDO.
NOW I’M LIKE, HE GUIDED US WITH HIS ELOQUENCE!
[ APPLAUSE ] I WANT TO LEAVE YOU GUYS WITH A
SERIOUS THOUGHT. I KNOW THERE ARE A LOT OF PEOPLE
THAT ARE WORRIED NOW. THIS IS A WEIRD TIME.
IF YOU’RE EXCITED ABOUT TRUMP, GREAT.
HE’S PRESIDENT. LET’S HOPE HE DOES A GREAT JOB.
IF YOU’RE SCARED ABOUT TRUMP AND YOU’RE VERY WORRIED, YOU’RE
GOING TO BE OKAY, TOO. IF YOU LOOK AT OUR HISTORY,
CHANGE DOESN’T COME FROM PRESIDENTS.
CHANGE COMES FROM LARGE GROUPS OF ANGRY PEOPLE.
AND IF DAY ONE IS ANY INDICATION, YOU ARE PART OF THE
LARGEST GROUP OF ANGRY PEOPLE I HAVE EVER SEEN.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] GOOD LUCK TO YOU.
WE’VE GOT A GREAT SHOW TONIGHT! BIG SEAN IS HERE.
SO STICK AROUND. WE’LL BE RIGHT BACK.