Aggressive & Mean: Two Words Most Associated With Trump


WELCOME TO “THE LATE SHOW.” I’M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
IT IS– JON, YOU HEAR THAT?>>Jon: YEAH.>>Stephen: YOU HEAR THAT? WHAT’S THAT?>>Jon: THAT’S A FRIDAY
AUDIENCE.>>Stephen: THAT’S A FRIDAY
AUDIENCE RIGHT THERE, 100%. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
YOU COULD– YOU CAN CUT THAT AUDIENCE OPEN AND COUNT THE
RINGS OF FRIDAY IN THERE. IT’S BEEN A GREAT WEEK FOR
EVERYBODY, ESPECIALLY DONALD TRUMP. I’M SORRY, I MEANT TO SAY
HORRIBLE WEEK, BECAUSE THE DEMOCRATS IN CONGRESS HAVE
DEMAND HIS TAX RETURNS, HIS FINANCIAL RECORDS AND THE MULL
MUELLER REPORT. TO EMBARRASS HIM NEXT, THEY’RE
GOING TO ASK HIM WHAT HIS CHILDREN’S BIRTHDAYS ARE. (AS TRUMP):
“I PLEAD THE FIFTH OF JUNE? IS THAT ONE OF THEM? HOW ABOUT THE FOURTH OF JULY? THAT’S SOMETHING, RIGHT?”
AND IT’S ALL GOTTA STING, BECAUSE DONALD TRUMP IS OBSESSED
WITH BEING LIKED, WHICH IS WHY SO MANY PEOPLE CAN’T
STAND HIM. AND “THE NEW YORK TIMES” JUST
UNCOVERED SOME SECRET MARKETING RATINGS THAT TRUMP WILL NOT
ENJOY. IT’S CALLED AN E-SCORE, WHICH
MARKETING EXECUTIVES, NETWORK TELEVISION STATIONS, AND
ADVERTISERS RELY ON TO FIGURE OUT WHICH PERSONALITIES APPEAL
TO AUDIENCES AND WHICH DO NOT. IT WORKS A LOT BETTER THAN
CELEBRITY YELP REVIEWS. “MET TOM HANKS. VERY PLEASANT. BUT NO PUBLIC BATHROOM! ONE STAR!”
( LAUGHTER )
AND DONALD TRUMP DOES NOT DO
WELL IN THESE E-RATINGS. HIS OVERALL STRONG NEGATIVE
APPEAL WAS 39%, COMPARED TO A STRONG POSITIVE APPEAL OF JUST
14%.>>Audience: OOOH!>>Stephen: YEAH, THAT’S NOT
GOOD. THE LAST CELEBRITY TO DO THAT
BADLY ON AN E-SCORE WAS SYPHILIS.( LAUGHTER )
THE– SYPHILIS NEEDS A NEW P.R. TEAM, NEW P.R. TEAM.( APPLAUSE )
AN E-SCORE MEASURES THE APPEAL AND AWARENESS OF CELEBRITIES,
AND ALSO TRACKS HOW INDIVIDUALS SCORE ON MORE THAN 40
PERSONALITY AND PHYSICAL ATTRIBUTES. WHO HAS 40 ATTRIBUTES? IF YOU ASKED ME TO DESCRIBE MY
BEST FRIEND, I’D SAY HE’S, LIKE, MEDIUM HEIGHT, BROWN HAIR, EATS
FOOD. IS THAT A PERSON?( LAUGHTER )
AND THE CHARACTERISTICS MOST ASSOCIATED WITH THE PRESIDENT
WERE “AGGRESSIVE” AND “MEAN,” TWO OF THE REJECTED SEVEN
DWARFS.( LAUGHTER )
ALTHOUGH, TRUMP IS ALSO DOPEY, GRUMPY, SLEEPY AND PREFERS
PEOPLE WHO ARE SNOW WHITE.>>Audience: OOOH!>>Jon: WELL! WELL, THEN.>>Stephen: MEMBERS OF THE
ARYAN NATION ARE HERE TONIGHT.( LAUGHTER )
TRUMP ALSO SCORED HIGH FOR BEING “CONFIDENT” AND “CREEPY.” I BELIEVE THEY GOT “CONFIDENT”
AND “CREEPY” BY POLLING A REPRESENTATIVE SAMPLE OF FLAGS.( LAUGHTER )
BY THE WAY, CONFIDENT AND CREEPY IS THE SAME COMBINATION SCORE
YOU’D GIVE A SPIEDENER YOUR SHOWER. “I’M, LIKE, 10,000 TIMES YOUR
SIZE! WHY ARE YOU CRAWLING TOWARDS
ME!” BUT HERE’S THE PART TRUMP’S
REALLY NOT GOING TO LIKE. HIS LOWEST SCORES WERE FOR THE
ATTRIBUTES OF “SEXY,” “HANDSOME,” AND “PHYSICALLY
FIT.”( LAUGHTER )
NOW, LOOK, I DON’T KNOW HOW THEY CAME UP WITH THAT, OTHER THAN
LOOKING AT THIS PICTURE OR THIS PICTURE, OR THIS
PICTURE, OR THIS PICTURE, OR THIS
PICTURE. BUT, LOOK, THAT WAS TOTALLY
UNFAIR OF ME. IT WAS PROBABLY THIS PICTURE.( LAUGHTER )
AND TRUMP ALSO DOESN’T SCORE HIGHLY WITH MEMBERS OF HIS OWN
PARTY, ACCORDING TO A NEW BOOK CALLED “THE HILL TO DIE ON.” APPARENTLY, IN AN INFRASTRUCTURE
MEETING WITH FELLOW REPUBLICANS LAST YEAR, THE PRESIDENT
“IMPRESSED THE ASSEMBLED LAWMAKERS WITH HIS APPARENT
INTEREST, SCRIBBLING FURIOUS NOTES.” BUT UPON CLOSER INSPECTION,
TRUMP’S WRITING “HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH INFRASTRUCTURE. INSTEAD, TRUMP HAD SCRAWLED
‘SLOPPY STEVE’ ATOP HIS INDEX CARD, FOLLOWED BY COPIOUS
NOTES CRITICIZING STEVE BANNON.” ALL THE TIME. (AS GENERAL):
“SIR, THAT WAS YOUR BRIEFING. ANY QUESTIONS ABOUT OUR SPECIAL
FORCES MOVEMENTS IN SYRIA?” (AS TRUMP):
“JUST ONE. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THIS
PICTURE I DREW OF CHUCK SCHUMER HUMPING A UNICORN? IT’S BASED ON A TRUE STORY.”( LAUGHTER )
NOW, THE BOOK ALSO TALKS ABOUT A TIME BACK IN 2016, WHEN TRUMP
WAS CONSIDERING ADDING MIKE PENCE TO HIS TICKET. HE CALLED UP REPRESENTATIVE
STEVE SCALISE TO SOLICIT HIS OPINION. SCALISE PRAISED THE NOW-VICE
PRESIDENT, WHO, UNBEKNOWNST TO HIM, HAPPENED TO BE SITTING WITH
TRUMP AND LISTENING TO THE WHOLE CONVERSATION. YOU CAN SEE IT ALL ON TRUMP’S
NEW PRANK SHOW, “PENCE’d!” AND AFTER THE PRANK PHONE CALL,
SCALISE JOKED THAT HE WAS “AN UNWITTING PARTICIPANT IN THE
VETTING OF MIKE PENCE IN FRONT OF MIKE PENCE!”
THAT’S NOT REALLY A JOKE, STEVE, JUST A BLUNT DESCRIPTION OF WHAT
ACTUALLY HAPPENED. “HEY, DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE
CHICKEN WHO CROSSED THE ROAD? NO? WELL, NOW YOU HAVE!”
THE BOOK ALSO HAS DAMNING STORIES ABOUT JARED KUSHNER. ON THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL, THE KUSH
WAS SHOCKED TO LEARN THAT IT COSTS THE GOVERNMENT $750 PER
DAY TO KEEP AN UNDOCUMENTED CHILD IN THE UNITED STATES,”
QUIPPING, “THEY MIGHT AS WELL PUT THEM UP AT THE FOUR SEASONS
HOTEL IN GEORGETOWN.” WELL, I THINK I SPEAK FOR ALL
UNDOCUMENTED CHILDREN WHEN I SAY, “SURE.”( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )